“I regret
not having hugged you last night.”
she said.
“Regret
is too strong an emotion.
I don’t want you
to feel it.”
responded her mother.
“But it’s what I feel,
why can’t you accept it?”
she asked
mildly protesting.
“I just don’t want you to feel that.”
responded her mother.
“But I feel it.
I feel it.
I feel regret.
It’s what I feel.”
she responded.
“I just want what’s best for you.
I want you to feel better.”
responded her mother.
“I just want you
to accept me.”
she responded.
As programmers,
it’s easy
to conflate debugging
with problem solving.
Yes,
when debugging is complete
the problem
is solved.
But while debugging,
we spend most of our time
trying to see
the code
alive.
The code
that describes a living system.
One comprised
of parts,
their relationships,
and their impact
on one another.
Seeing the code alive
is akin to comprehending
what is really going on.
Once we comprehend
what is going on
problem solving
is often
straightforward.
We often forget to do the same
when not programming.
Especially
with people.
Instead,
we jump
to problem solving.
It’s tempting
to think of some relationships
as having a unilateral
power dynamic.
As if our parents
have unilateral power
over us.
As if our bosses
have unilateral power
over us.
As if our investors
have unilateral power
over us.
What we inevitably learn
is that we also have power
over our parents,
over our bosses,
over our investors.
Why?
Because they have a vested interest
in our success.
Given this,
we can choose to see these relationships
through the lens of
“They only care about us
because they have a vested interest
in our success!”
or
through the lens of
“I appreciate
that there are people who care about us
enough to have a vested interest
in our success.”
At least two choices
we can learn.
Only one of which
helps us use
power with.
What does it mean
to reflect?
Stand in front of a mirror.
The mirror
will reflect.
By mirror,
I mean a relationship
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
from an interfacing
perspective.
By an interfacing perspective,
I mean a perspective
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
as an “other”
with which we can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.
Go ahead.
Look into the mirror
and see yourself as an “other”
with which you can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.
Now,
by look,
I mean receive the choice
to recognize,
acknowledge,
and appreciate
parts of your “self”
by recognizing,
acknowledging,
and appreciating
parts of
the “other.”
Parts you forgot
or did not know
to recognize,
acknowledge,
and appreciate.
I mean give these parts
the choice
to feel seen.
The choice
to matter.
And by giving this choice,
may you realize
that this
is a loop,
where giving
does not constitute losing,
and receiving
is not predicated on lacking.
A loop,
where fear and shame
can make way
for flow.
…
Whether we reflect
through journaling,
through coaching,
or otherwise…
May this be a guide.
Several years back,
I visited a private high school.
There,
I did a workshop
where the students sketched
a blueprint of the kind of relationship
they wished to have
with their teachers
such that the teachers could more effectively
help them learn, create, grow, and mature.
The keyword they used
to sum up their sketch
was “being there.”
The students wanted teachers
who were willing to “be there” for them.
I then asked the students
to raise their hand
if they already had this kind of relationship.
2 out of ~40 students raised their hand.
After this incident,
it become a priority for me
to form this kind of relationship,
with those whom I have committed
to help learn, create, grow, and mature.
I’m grateful for this lesson
I learned
from those students.
A common phenomena I see among co-founders I coach is this:
Imagine both people doing this — thinking it’s “for” each other
While neither are feeling their needs genuinely fulfilled.
This relationship may be a ticking time bomb.
It is unlikely for people to stay in relationship
When they don’t feel appreciated.
Love is a force that can hold the space between “self” and “other.”
Relationship is the quality of space between “self” and “other.”
Being in love with an “other,”
and having a good relationship with them
are two different issues.
Whether the “other” is people, work, things, etc…
Each day,
write down one thing
your co-founder (or spouse) did—
that day or long ago—
you genuinely appreciated.
(Especially,
if it’s embarrassing to admit.)
On Christmas day,
Human beings
have a need
to feel appreciated
for what they
want to feel appreciated
in the way they
want to be appreciated.
And yet,
too many times,
we appreciate them
for what we
appreciate about them
in the way we
like to show appreciation.
This can leave
our co-founders,
employees, or spouse
feeling unfulfilled,
resentful,
or betrayed
in their relationship
with us.
So end by asking,
“What one thing
do you wish I’d appreciate
about what you do
and how
do you want me
to show it?”
