Relationship | Realizing Empathy

What does it mean
to reflect?

Stand in front of a mirror.

The mirror
will reflect.

By mirror,
I mean a relationship
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
from an interfacing
perspective.

By an interfacing perspective,
I mean a perspective
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
as an “other”
with which we can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.

Go ahead.

Look into the mirror
and see yourself as an “other”
with which you can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.

Now,
by look,
I mean receive the choice
to recognize, acknowledge, and appreciate parts of your “self”
by recognizing, acknowledging, and appreciating parts of
the “other.”

Parts you forgot
or did not know
to recognize,
acknowledge,
and appreciate.

I mean give these parts
the choice
to feel seen.

The choice
to matter.

And by giving this choice,
may you realize
that this
is a loop,
where giving
does not constitute losing,
and receiving
is not predicated on lacking.

A loop,
where fear and shame
can make way
for flow.

…

Whether we reflect
through journaling,
through coaching,
or otherwise…

May this be a guide.

Several years back,
I visited a private high school.

There,
I did a workshop
where the students sketched
a blueprint of the kind of relationship
they wished to have
with their teachers
such that the teachers could more effectively
help them learn, create, grow, and mature.

The keyword they used
to sum up their sketch
was “being there.”

The students wanted teachers
who were willing to “be there” for them.

I then asked the students
to raise their hand
if they already had this kind of relationship.

2 out of ~40 students raised their hand.

After this incident,
it become a priority for me
to form this kind of relationship,
with those whom I have committed
to help learn, create, grow, and mature.

I’m grateful for this lesson
I learned
from those students.

A common phenomena I see among co-founders I coach is this:

Founder A does something she believes Founder B should appreciate.
Those are not things B actually appreciates, but B says “thanks” out of politeness.
A thinks she’s done something of significant worth to B and expects a reciprocal behavior from B born out of B’s appreciation for A.
B has no awareness of the expectation.
A never receives the reciprocal expression.

Imagine both people doing this — thinking it’s “for” each other
While neither are feeling their needs genuinely fulfilled.

This relationship may be a ticking time bomb.
It is unlikely for people to stay in relationship
When they don’t feel appreciated.

Love is a force that can hold the space between “self” and “other.”
Relationship is the quality of space between “self” and “other.”

Being in love with an “other,”
and having a good relationship with them
are two different issues.

Whether the “other” is people, work, things, etc…

You can be in love with them,
and not have such a wonderful relationship.
You can have a wonderful relationship with them,
and not be in love.

Looking to exchange gifts with your co-founder (or spouse)?

Here’s an idea.
‍‍‍‍‍‍
Each day, write down one thing they did—that day or long ago—you genuinely appreciated. (Especially if it’s embarrassing to admit.)

On Christmas day,

Agree to not negate or trivialize anything spoken.
Share the list.
Let them ask “How significant is this one and why?”

People have a need to feel appreciated for what they want to be appreciated in the way they want. Merely being appreciated for what we appreciate in the way we want to show appreciation can leave them unfulfilled.

So end by asking, “What one thing do you wish I’d appreciate about what you do and how do you want me to show it?”

May we design our interactions for fulfillment.

Computer literacy is all the rage these days.

It’s certainly nice to be computer literate. Important, even.

What about human literacy?

How to love.
How to grieve.
How to be be confident.
How to understand yourself.
How to manage your emotions.
How to fulfill each other’s needs.
How to be different with each other.
How to be honest despite fear of vulnerability.
…
We rarely pay attention to these. It’s as if we’re expected to just know how to do these things without training.

It’s often only after we have lost something precious (i.e. health, money, marriage) that we begin to pay attention to them.

By then it may be too late.

We need to start human literacy much sooner.

After the smartest self-driving car, the fastest internet infrastructure, the most comprehensive knowledge repository, and the most affordable healthcare system are all built, what will be left is the relationships and interactions we have with each other.

Which investors are investing in that?

Irony is when we judge others as lacking empathy

Posts tagged ‘Relationship’