The word respect
is made of
re and spect.
Re as in “anew,”
Spect as in “to look.”
Interestingly enough,
a popular Korean phrase
“다시 보다,”
—which literally means
“to look again,”—
figuratively means
“to see something
or someone
anew
due to the unexpected revelation
of something worthy
of appreciation.”
p.s: Thanks to Connie Crawford, for having been the first person to have directed my attention to the roots of the word “respect,” back in 2011.
When we hyper-empathize,
unlike when we empathize,
the distinctions
and boundary
between “self”
and “other”
vanish.
So when we feel
the “other”—
be it a person,
a thing,
or an idea—
is in danger,
it feels as if we
are in danger.
This makes it natural
for us to throw ourselves
onto incoming traffic
to save the lives
of such an other.
To us,
this does not feel
like a sacrifice.
It merely feels
as if it’s a universal
human
reflex.
So much so
that sometimes
we think the other
would have done the same
for us.
Whether or not that is true
is beside the point.
Within what we call
our “self.”
there are many
“others.”
“Others,”
we aren’t fully aware.
“Others,”
we don’t fully understand.
“Others,”
we don’t fully appreciate.
I often hear people say
empathy
is about the “other.”
If so,
may our pursuit of empathy
begin
with the recognition
that our understanding of empathy
will become more clear
as the separation between “self” and “other”
becomes less clear.
When it feels
as if we’re not doing enough,
a useful question to ask
can be
“From whom do I need recognition
or validation?”
Often times,
what makes something “enough”
is not what we do,
but knowing how certain people feel
about what we do.
It can sometimes be difficult
to admit
that we need recognition
or validation.
But we all need it
from time to time.
Sometimes,
we pit two concepts
as opposites,
when, in fact,
they are perpendicular.
For example,
if we pit
honesty and kindness
as opposites,
we may feel forced
to choose either or.
But if we pit them
as perpendiculars,
we can aim
to learn a new choice
with which to do both
at the same time.
Telling someone
who feels stuck
to have more patience and grit
is akin to telling
a drowning person
to keep holding their breath.
There are times
when progress is merely slow.
Then there are times
when we are stuck.
When progress is slow,
our direction need not change.
Thus,
with patience and grit
we can prevail.
But when we are stuck,
we must significantly change direction
—even if momentarily.
The question is
in which direction?
To support someone feeling stuck
may we be there
by their side
to help them learn
the requisite new choice
of direction.
We sometimes resent
not being heard by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t hear us
is because
they are in dire need
to be heard by us.
We sometimes resent
not being supported by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t support us
is because
they are in dire need
of our support.
We sometimes resent
not being respected by someone
unaware
that the reason why they won’t respect us
is because
they are in dire need
of our respect.
By whom
will this Gordian Knot
be severed?
Each moment
we try to act,
as we struggle
to find ourselves in different roles:
a son,
an adult,
a parent,
a professional,
an employee,
…
And just
as a novice actor struggles
as she mistakes acting
for pretending
to be someone they are not,
we struggle
as we mistake playing roles
for being who we are.
As our minds
try their best
to keep us calm,
to seek and to retain certainty,
they construct false notions
of what it means to be good,
kind,
or even authentic
from clichés and stereotypes
we mistake for the real meaning
behind those words.
Our very desires
to “be somebody,”
even if it’s as benign
as a good son
or a good friend,
often result in nothing more
than bad acting.
pg 168 Realizing Empathy: An Inquiry into the Meaning of Making.
It’s tempting
to think of some relationships
as having a unilateral
power dynamic.
As if our parents
have unilateral power
over us.
As if our bosses
have unilateral power
over us.
As if our investors
have unilateral power
over us.
What we inevitably learn
is that we also have power
over our parents,
over our bosses,
over our investors.
Why?
Because they have a vested interest
in our success.
Given this,
we can choose to see these relationships
through the lens of
“They only care about us
because they have a vested interest
in our success!”
or
through the lens of
“I appreciate
that there are people who care about us
enough to have a vested interest
in our success.”
At least two choices
we can learn.
Only one of which
helps us use
power with.
Focusing on a desire
of what we want
can create the tension
required to motivate us
to keep moving
toward the future.
And yet,
such desire alone
can often lead us
to inadvertently focus
on where we are not.
It is in being aware
of not only our desire,
but also the progress
we’ve made thus far
that we may recognize
where we are.
It is in this awareness,
where notions of
past, present, and future
can make way
for a sense
of belonging.
A sense
that we deserve
to be where we are,
thanks not only
to our own merits,
but also the merit
of our supporters,
and our circumstances.
