Irony is when we judge others as lacking empathy
Posts tagged ‘Leadership’
“Lights On” / Seung Chan Lim (Slim) / March 20, 2020 / North Columbus Dr., Chicago, IL
As doth
a streetlight,
being there
for each other
with their lights on,
with nary a guarantee
of the future,
we
will get through this.
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Our identity,
is who we are.
No matter what anyone says,
we are
who we are.
Our self-image
is created,
when we let ourselves or others
dictate
our identity.
“You’re the athletic one
and your sister
is the smart one.”
“I’m not good
at math.”
“Men don’t cry.”
Nobody
has the right
to dictate
our identity.
Not even ourselves.
But we can,
inadvertently,
let them.
One
of the most common emotions
founders discover
within themselves
is vengefulness.
In the presence
of vengefulness
it’s sometimes worth asking
whether our time
is best spent
on what we hate
vs
what we love.
Because sometimes
we may only have enough time
to choose
between
supporting
who or what we love
vs
hurting
who or what we hate.
Except
the lack of time
isn’t always obvious
until we explore
the question.
In fact,
we may not even realize
that we are experiencing
vengefulness
until we realize empathy
with ourselves.
In conversation,
a question worth asking
is whether we are attempting
to decrease
or increase
the number of choices
for others.
Depending on the answer,
we can often gauge
whether we are moving
in the direction of fear
or courage.
p.s: Thanks to Paul Pangaro for introducing me to the essay on Ethics and Second-Order Cybernetics that inspired this post.
There are times
when it seems so clear
that the fault
is ours.
I raised my child poorly.
I lead my company to bankruptcy.
I failed to support my spouse.
This often happens
when there are two things
equally clear
if you’re willing
to see them.
First,
is that you’re someone
who is willing
to take
responsibility.
Second,
is that you have
emotional needs.
Perhaps the need
to be forgiven.
Upon seeing these two things
clearly,
may you learn the choice
to take responsibility
for fulfilling
your own emotional needs
as well as worrying
about the emotional needs
of others.
It’s not you.
It’s me.
The person I’m speaking to
in conversation,
that is.
It’s true.
I sometimes speak
with my past self
instead of you,
the person
in front of me.
I know
this can confuse
sometimes even anger
or frustrate
you.
When that happens,
I want you to know
that it’s not you,
it’s me.
It’s just that,
the pain
of my past experience
is simply too much
to bear.
So although
I know
that as a leader
I must do better.
There are times
when it feels
as if I must proclaim
—No, shout—
in order to remind myself
to never experience
the same pain
ever again.
The word respect
is made of
re and spect.
Re as in “anew,”
Spect as in “to look.”
Interestingly enough,
a popular Korean phrase
“다시 보다,”
—which literally means
“to look again,”—
figuratively means
“to see something
or someone
anew
due to the unexpected revelation
of something worthy
of appreciation.”
p.s: Thanks to Connie Crawford, for having been the first person to have directed my attention to the roots of the word “respect,” back in 2011.
When we hyper-empathize,
unlike when we empathize,
the distinctions
and boundary
between “self”
and “other”
vanish.
So when we feel
the “other”—
be it a person,
a thing,
or an idea—
is in danger,
it feels as if we
are in danger.
This makes it natural
for us to throw ourselves
onto incoming traffic
to save the lives
of such an other.
To us,
this does not feel
like a sacrifice.
It merely feels
as if it’s a universal
human
reflex.
So much so
that sometimes
we think the other
would have done the same
for us.
Whether or not that is true
is beside the point.
Within what we call
our “self.”
there are many
“others.”
“Others,”
we aren’t fully aware.
“Others,”
we don’t fully understand.
“Others,”
we don’t fully appreciate.
I often hear people say
empathy
is about the “other.”
If so,
may our pursuit of empathy
begin
with the recognition
that our understanding of empathy
will become more clear
as the separation between “self” and “other”
becomes less clear.
