What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
It’s ok
to complain.
In fact,
it can be healthy.
Except,
complain to someone
with skills.
The skills to summarize your complaint
far more succinctly
than you could
alone.
The skills to organize your complaint
far more clearly
than you could
alone.
The skills to guide your complaint
toward a resolution
you couldn’t reach
alone.
May we not waste our energy
with people who lack such skills
nor leave such people feeling hopeless
given their lack
of such skills.
Stop playing to grow.
That’s your investors’ game.
Stop playing to survive.
That’s playing not to lose.
Start playing to win.
And play your own game.
100% of the CEOs
who bragged to me
about their exceptional empathy
were proven wrong
when I asked
their direct reports
and their family members.
Not because they lacked empathy
absolutely,
but because we all lack empathy
sometimes.
Except,
that sometime
may be a critical moment for some
enough for them to remember
that we were not there
when they needed us
to be there for them
the most.
What “experts” or “professionals” may not get
about Paul Graham’s essay
is that it’s _primarily_ an act
of permission-giving.
The details of the essay
matters much less.
Many founders have felt pressured
by “experts” or “professionals” telling them
how to run their own companies.
It matters less
whether the advice came from VCs
with no experience running a company
or from Founders
with much experience running a company.
The fact of the matter is
what worked in context A
doesn’t always work
in context B.
That’s the limitation
of _advice-giving_
itself.
Paul’s essay
is making it ok for founders to say
“no thanks,”
to “expert” or “professional” advice.
To go at it
“my way,”
for better
or for worse.
That’s much needed permission
for the Founders who have felt pressured
to follow “expert” or “professional” advice.
To be clear,
this is also a reminder
that when something isn’t working
we can either take responsibility
for doing what we believe
is right
or abdicate responsibility
by doing what others believe
is right,
because we’re either
afraid of being wrong
or feel helpless
without a choice.
…
For the “experts” or “professionals,”
Paul’s essay is an invitation
to also learn how to help
without giving advice.
Without resorting to
telling people what to do,
but instead
working with them
to create something neither
could have created
alone.
“I don’t need validation from others.”
He said.
“I just need validation from myself.”
He continued.
“What would have to happen
for you to validate
yourself?”
She asked.
“I would have to hit 10M
in annual revenue.”
He answered.
“Who would give you that money?”
She asked.
“Nobody would give me that money.
I would earn it!”
He answered
valiantly.
“Earn
from whom?”
She asked.
“The customers.”
He answered
“So you need validation
from your customers?”
She asked.
“Yes.”
He answered.
Too many times,
have I heard that talent
without hard work
is nothing.
The over-emphasis on hard work
can mask the fact
that talent is talent
precisely because
it’s not hard work.
Sometimes
we spend so much time
trying to get better at what is hard
at the expense of discovering how what comes easy,
our talent,
can be shaped
to provide significant value.
Business
is often compared
to a war.
There are
competitions.
Founders
feel hurt in the process.
It is important
to survive.
…
But business
is also different
from a war.
Because you may win a war
by crushing the competition.
But in business
even in the absence of competition
you only win
by winning with
the customers.
I once heard someone
90 years old
tell an audience
that she regretted not studying
her favorite foreign language
sooner.
When asked how sooner,
she replied
“30 years ago.”
When asked why then,
she replied
“When I was 60,
I told myself
that I don’t have much time left
so why bother
learning another language.
…
Little did I know,
that I had 30 more years in me.”
We sometimes say
“if I were them,
I wouldn’t have done that.”
The question is not merely
whether we would have behaved
differently.
The question is
had we the same
emotions,
intentions,
needs,
and values
whether we would have behaved
differently.
Development
has a grain
as do
a piece
of wood.
May we take responsibility
for supporting someone
in alignment with their developmental grain
instead of staying stuck blaming them
for our own lack of insight
into their developmental grain.
