What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
“I want answers!”
he shouted,
in frustration.
“…”
“Did you hear me???”
he lowered his voice.
“I
want
answers!”
he shouted again.
“I have no answers.”
a response came back.
He stared at me,
breathing heavily.
“All I can do
is help you discover
what it is
you’re willing to take
responsibility for.”
What “experts” or “professionals” may not get
about Paul Graham’s essay
is that it’s _primarily_ an act
of permission-giving.
The details of the essay
matters much less.
Many founders have felt pressured
by “experts” or “professionals” telling them
how to run their own companies.
It matters less
whether the advice came from VCs
with no experience running a company
or from Founders
with much experience running a company.
The fact of the matter is
what worked in context A
doesn’t always work
in context B.
That’s the limitation
of _advice-giving_
itself.
Paul’s essay
is making it ok for founders to say
“no thanks,”
to “expert” or “professional” advice.
To go at it
“my way,”
for better
or for worse.
That’s much needed permission
for the Founders who have felt pressured
to follow “expert” or “professional” advice.
To be clear,
this is also a reminder
that when something isn’t working
we can either take responsibility
for doing what we believe
is right
or abdicate responsibility
by doing what others believe
is right,
because we’re either
afraid of being wrong
or feel helpless
without a choice.
…
For the “experts” or “professionals,”
Paul’s essay is an invitation
to also learn how to help
without giving advice.
Without resorting to
telling people what to do,
but instead
working with them
to create something neither
could have created
alone.
Development
has a grain
as do
a piece
of wood.
May we take responsibility
for supporting someone
in alignment with their developmental grain
instead of staying stuck blaming them
for our own lack of insight
into their developmental grain.
We say
that when we love someone
we want
what’s best for them.
What we don’t say,
but mean,
is that we may even want to make sure
they get the best.
So much so
that we may personally feel responsible
for giving them
the best.
Even if it means making ourselves vulnerable
to feeling ashamed,
when we inevitably realize
that we are unable
to fulfill our responsibility.
Not because we did not
or could not give
enough,
but because our heart knows no limits
on how much
to give them.
Sometimes
we hear people say
“But I cannot simply choose
to be some way!”
Indeed.
Making a choice
does not mean change
is necessarily
imminent.
It merely signifies
the first step
of a journey.
But a journey
with a commitment.
A journey
with intention.
A journey
that starts by us taking
responsibility.
Just as
taking responsibility
is not the same
as accepting
blame.
Taking responsibility
is not the same
as tolerating
hate.
When we have done something
we regret
we may take responsibility
for our past
and future actions.
While simultaneously inviting others
to take responsibility
for their own hate
of our mistakes.
The decision
can only be made
by the decision
maker.
No matter how much we dislike
the decision made,
the responsibility of decision making
lies solely
with the decision
maker.
In much the same way,
the decision we make
in response to other’s decisions
is our responsibility.
If we have an outcome
we want to see happen
by hiring,
not merely a job description
to match,
may we take responsibility
for clarifying and communicating
what that is.
If we wish to fulfill the purpose
for having been hired
instead of merely offering skills
and completing tasks,
may we take responsibility
for discovering and clarifying
what outcome
we were hired
to realize.
Sometimes,
we discover in hindsight,
that we have wasted our energy
on a distraction.
When this happens,
it may be easy to blame ourselves
for not having had
foresight.
But without a clear direction,
what counts as distraction
and what does not
may only become obvious
in hindsight.
To decide with foresight
may we gain clarity of direction
first
to helps us discern
what counts as distraction
and what does not.
May we choose
to take responsibility
instead of blaming ourselves.
Responsibility
is response + ability.
It is our ability
to respond.
It points to our potential
for autonomous
action.
It is distinct
from blaming ourselves
or anyone else
for being
at fault.
Unless you believe
your greatest potential for action
lies in blaming
yourself
or others.
p.s: Much gratitude to Margaret Rose for the email exchange that inspired me to write this post.
