who provoke our disgust,
may also be those
from whom we can learn
our limiting beliefs.
we encounter someone
who disgusts us,
may we ask
what we’re telling ourselves
they shouldn’t be doing.
Not to judge their behavior
as wrong or bad,
but to discover
if we believe we
shouldn’t be doing them,
And if so,
may we get clarity
on the fear or concern
underlying this belief.
the moment we discover
that there are times
in which the risk
underlying our fear or concern
is either manageable
or worth the cost,
is also the moment
we will realize empathy
and learn a new choice.
A new choice
that could lead
was feeling burnt-out.
“When was your last vacation?” I asked.
He couldn’t remember.
“I can’t take one.
My employees are working.
I should be there to help them.” he added.
“What emotions do you experience
when you think of taking a vacation?” I asked.
“…Guilt.” he answered.
“Let that sink in.
That’s significant.” I remarked.
He first looked puzzled,
but soon his eyes widened
and he blurted out
We should all take a vacation!”
When we feel responsible for “others,”
it’s not unnatural
to feel concern
for their suffering.
With sufficient concern
it’s also not unnatural,
This is known
we need to tame our compassion
to put aside our need to help “others,”
and instead help our “self”
through a vulnerably creative process.
by which we can realize empathy
and let emerge
a connected entity
between self and other.
by which we can learn
a new choice of sight,
an unpredicted form of help
that helps not other
At our first session,
she would habitually use the word “strong”
to refer to herself.
“To be strong,”
Stop worrying and,
Focus on problem solving.
Stop blaming my employees and,
On the surface,
these sounded wonderful,
But after a month
of realizing empathy with herself,
that by “strong”
all she meant
was “numb to pain & discomfort.”
There’s a world of difference
between following advice
and realizing for one’s self
by leading through a journey of innovation.
Without the journey,
can merely mean “repress stress & anxiety.”
“Focus on problem solving,”
can merely mean “focus on eliminating fear & concern.”
can merely mean “lead with unconscious shame.”
To frame this phenomena
as someone’s “fault”
prevents a deeper exploration.
One of the most common block to insight
To realize empathy with cynicism
it can be useful to model it
as doubt + judgment.
This implies that
once we strip our cynicism of judgment,
we can more clearly confront our doubt.
Then as we develop the requisite skill and will
to zoom into our doubt,
it can lead to the discovery
of our worry or concern,
over a future we do not wish to see happen.
When we can clearly see and hear
this undesired future
we can also increase the probability
of realizing empathy,
which ultimately helps us create choices,
the kind that gives us a feeling of possibility
beyond the horizon of cynicism,
which is a key
to designing toward a future
we do wish to see happen,
instead of staying stuck
unconsciously envisioning a future
we do not wish to see happen.
When we, as founders,
work to fertilize a new culture in our organization,
3 emotions often rise up in ourselves and in our team:
When we don’t spend the time
to realize empathy in relation to these emotions,
they easily develop into:
Which, over time, calcify as:
Any time we have the urge to say “I disagree,”
It’s worth asking ourselves “What purpose am I hoping to fulfill?”
If the purpose of expressing disagreement is…
With accumulated life experience arises fear.
Between fear and care arises concern and anxiety.
Our concerns are well-intended.
Yet, when we behave out of anxiety,
it can also do harm.
How many parents ever intend to hurt their child?
Yet, we were hurt by them.
Often by behaviors that arose out of anxiety.
I have yet to coach a CEO who does not care about their co-founders or employees.
Yet, these others were hurt by the CEO.
Often by behaviors that arose out of anxiety.
Same holds for CEOs hurt by co-founders or employees.
Not caring isn’t always the issue.
The challenge is also to care without anxiety.
It is to regulate our own tension.
A difficult, but necessary skill to learn as a leader.
Let us not confuse concern with love.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling concern for the people we love. At the same time, concern arises out of fear, not love. Yes, concern can be fueled by care, but care is not love.
It’s worth asking ourselves if desires like “I want my employees to perform better” or “I want my students to be successful,” are born out of fear or love.
The kinds of design that emerge out of repressed and unidentified fear can be unhelpful to others at best and harmful at its worst.