Empathizing | Realizing Empathy

Apr 4th 2014 12:55pm ET

Dear Dr. Csikszentmihalyi

It occurs to me
that the sense of “oneness” we feel
when we empathize
may be related
to the sense of “oneness” we feel
when we’re in flow.

Have you ever wondered if they were related?

Would be an honor to hear from you,

with much gratitude

slim

Apr 4th 2014 2:33pm ET

Hi Slim,

That feeling
is something you can experience
as a result of different ways
of organizing your attention:
By feeling a sense of awe
looking at the ocean or the starry sky,
by meditating,
or by engaging in an activity that produces flow.

I don’t know
whether these are exactly the same
— we have no way to measure “oneness”
except by relying on subjective accounts —
but they sure sound very
similar . . .

Best,

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

One
of the hardest things
I had to learn in art school
was how to stop
thinking.

At first,
I just told myself
to stop thinking,
which made me think
more.

I only stopped thinking
after I learned
to empathize with my materials—
be it wood,
or metal.

And I only learned
to empathize with my materials
after interacting with it
over
and over
and over again,
learning
to support
and to be supported
in that relationship.

Until there was
trust.

Trust
that came from
having co-developed
a contract
of support.

A process we casually call
“making”

One way
we can realize empathy
with what we previously could not
is to search
for a metaphor.

If “I would not do
what they did
if I were in their situation,”
signals
an absence
of a metaphor.

Then “In what situation
would I do
what they did?”
signals
a search
for a metaphor.

We realize empathy
when we empathize
with someone
or something
we previously did not,
through a realization.

One that makes us go
“Ah ha!”
“Ah…” or
“Ha ha ha!”
concerning something
we either did not
or had incorrectly assumed to
understand
or appreciate enough.

What does it mean
to reflect?

Stand in front of a mirror.

The mirror
will reflect.

By mirror,
I mean a relationship
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
from an interfacing
perspective.

By an interfacing perspective,
I mean a perspective
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
as an “other”
with which we can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.

Go ahead.

Look into the mirror
and see yourself as an “other”
with which you can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.

Now,
by look,
I mean receive the choice
to recognize,
acknowledge,
and appreciate
parts of your “self”
by recognizing,
acknowledging,
and appreciating
parts of
the “other.”

Parts you forgot
or did not know
to recognize,
acknowledge,
and appreciate.

I mean give these parts
the choice
to feel seen.

The choice
to matter.

And by giving this choice,
may you realize
that this
is a loop,
where giving
does not constitute losing,
and receiving
is not predicated on lacking.

A loop,
where fear and shame
can make way
for flow.

…

Whether we reflect
through journaling,
through coaching,
or otherwise…

May this be a guide.

To empathize with the familiar,
all we need is to have empathy
before we can realize empathy.

But artists empathize with the unfamiliar,
the unknown,
the uncomfortable.
So do anthropologists.

For them, having empathy is insufficient.
They need to be able to realize empathy,
when it doesn’t do so automatically.

This requires the mercy
of the creative process.

But, just as martial artists cannot will her victory,
we cannot will a realization.
Just as martial artists can only practice
to increase her probability of victory,
We can only practice to increase our probability
of realization.

Except our end isn’t mere victory,
it’s innovation.

This is a Janusian Art,
as Martial is from the Roman God of war, Mars,
and Janusian is from the Roman God of transition, Janus.

Imagine two circles: self & other.

Not empathizing is them separated,
Empathizing is them intersecting,
Hyper-empathizing is them overlapping.

When we hyper-empathize,
we lose any boundary or distinctions between self vs other, and
our sense of identity becomes significantly affected.

A mother throwing herself in front of oncoming traffic
to save her child
is hyper-empathizing.
A business owner who feels like a failure
because her company has failed,
and kills herself,
is hyper-empathizing.

It’s important we learn the ability
to notice when hyper-empathizing works against us, so as
to choose another way of being.

Let us not unwillingly fall prey
to the whims of others.

I thought I was empathizing. I wasn’t.

The Irony of Care

Comment

Irony is when we judge others as lacking empathy

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The Irony of Care