What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
Sometimes
we complain that our advice falls
on deaf ears.
If so
it may be worth discerning
the kind of problem
to which we’re giving
advice.
One type of problem
is a dilemma.
A dilemma arises
when we want to catch two birds
with one stone.
If our advice to someone with a dilemma
is to kill
just one bird.
The likelihood
of that advice falling on deaf ears
is high.
Sometimes
we think we have to decide
one
over the other.
As if to approach decision-making
as a problem
to be solved.
But when we approach decision-making
as a paradox
to be dissolved,
we may realize
that we need not decide
one
over the other,
because the two
can become
one
through integration.
It’s easy to think
that the things
other people want us to do
are more important
than what we want to do.
It can seem
that doing what we want to do
is selfish and bad
while doing what others want us to do
is altruistic and good.
And yet,
we are the proverbial “other people”
to somebody else.
May we pause
to deeply wonder
what it is we’re doing
and ask ourselves
the wonderous question
of “why?”
Why have we prioritized
certain tasks
over others?
May we live life
as the wonderous
and paradoxical
mystery
that it is
instead
of merely a series of problems
to be solved,
otherwise
our lives
can easily turn into something
akin
to a hamster wheel.
As programmers,
it’s easy
to conflate debugging
with problem solving.
Yes,
when debugging is complete
the problem
is solved.
But while debugging,
we spend most of our time
trying to see
the code
alive.
The code
that describes a living system.
One comprised
of parts,
their relationships,
and their impact
on one another.
Seeing the code alive
is akin to comprehending
what is really going on.
Once we comprehend
what is going on
problem solving
is often
straightforward.
We often forget to do the same
when not programming.
Especially
with people.
Instead,
we jump
to problem solving.
At our first session,
she would habitually use the word
“strong”
to refer to herself.
“To be strong,”
she said,
“I should
Stop worrying and,
instead,
Focus on problem solving.
I should
Stop blaming my employees and,
instead,
Blame myself.”
On the surface,
these sounded wonderful,
virtuous, even.
But after a month
of realizing empathy
with herself,
she discovered that
by “strong”
all she meant was
“numb to pain & discomfort.”
…
There’s a world of difference
between following advice
and realizing for one’s self
through a journey
of maturation.
A journey through which we learn
new
or unexpected
choices.
Without the journey,
“stop worrying,”
can merely mean
“repress stress & anxiety.”
“Focus on problem solving,”
can merely mean
“focus on eliminating fear & concern.”
“Blame myself,”
can merely mean
“lead with unconscious shame.”
…
To frame these phenomena
as someone’s “fault”
prevents
a deeper exploration.
More valuable
would be to recognize what happens
when we lack
a sense of choice
or proper support.
Words often mislead us.
This is normal.
In fact,
I spent much of my first book
talking about how words like
courage,
humility,
respecting,
listening,
considering,
acting,
had misled me.
Words do often lead our attention.
Yet, where the attention is led
can surprise us,
because words only have meaning in context,
And that context resides
not only with the person uttering the word,
but also the person interpreting it.
So much of our verbal disagreements happen
because we are unwilling
to let others lead our attention
to their meaning.
We’re more interested in arguing
that their use of the word is “wrong” or “bad,”
while our use is “right” or “good.”
Perhaps.
Except we’re back to the problem solver’s mindset.
Let us be honest.
Is this mindset helping us solve the problem?
If so,
great.
If not…
It may be time
to switch
to the paradox dissolver’s mindset.
Innovation does not solve problems.
It only has the potential to do so.
Say I produced an innovative vacuum cleaner,
If the problem is a dirty house,
unless someone uses the innovation repeatedly,
problem persists.
Innovation creates unexpected choices we didn’t perceive to have,
Problem solving uses existing choices to achieve an expected result.
Problem solving gets stuck
when we lack the requisite variety of choices
to achieve our expected result.
Thus,
when we’re stuck,
we need to temporarily put aside problem solving
in favor of innovation
to first increase the variety of our choices.
Sometimes innovation even helps us realize
that what we considered a problem is not,
and the problem vanishes
Most of us were trained
to problem solve.
Many also assume—
incorrectly—
that problem solving
is the best form of help
we can offer.
Such training and assumption
can serve us well
and poorly.
Because sometimes—
despite our best intentions—
problem solving
makes things worse.
If you’ve been accused
of being selfish,
lacking empathy,
or not caring,
despite your best efforts
to help your spouse
by solving their problem
you know what I mean.
When problem solving
makes things worse,
may we return
to our intention to help,
so as to learn
new choices.
Choices
that are actually helpful.
Choices
that improve things.
Choices
other than
problem solving.
I thought I was empathizing.
I wasn’t.
It was nearly 20 years ago.
I had a dear friend who was suffering from bipolar depression.
At the time, I had recently graduated from college with a degree in computer science. I prided myself in being an excellent problem solver. So I was determined… to solve my friend’s problem.
So What did I do? Well, I started by reading books, articles, papers, you name it, I read them all.
After gaining enough understanding of the theory of depression, I went to a local support group looking for some practical advice.
What I learned there was that the best way to help my friend was to try and empathize with her.
What this meant was that the next time my friend got depressed, I was to sit down with her and listen to her carefully. Once I could understand how she’s feeling and why, I was to express this understanding back to her. According to the people at the support group, if my understanding was correct, my friend will feel understood and that’ll make her feel better.
I was surprised.
It sounded too easy to be true.
…
But then I tried.
…
The whole time I was trying to empathize with her, she kept yelling, screaming, and bawling. Telling me that I did not understand.
What was I supposed to do? I kept changing what I said, over and over and over again, hoping… that I would eventually get through to her.
But I couldn’t.
Nearly half an hour went by and I was just sitting there with all my energy drained, exhausted and unable to figure out what I was missing.
But then… something occurred to me.
I suddenly remembered that, earlier in the day, I had said something to her, which, in hindsight, was hurtful.
So I told her that.
And like magic, she stopped yelling and screaming, as she sat there sobbing… while I finally… empathized with her.
…
What I realize now is that everything I’d been telling her up to that point was framed in such a way that it was all. her. fault, and I had nothing to do with it.
This was not because I had malicious intent. In fact, I had great intentions. I cared for her well-being. I wanted to help. This is the very definition of compassion!
Yet, in hindsight, I learned that despite best intentions, compassion actually lead me to frame the situation as a problem to be solved. And in doing so, 3 things happened to my mindset. 3 things… that lead me to unintentionally do more harm than good.
Now, what do I mean by this?
First of all, I played the role of a problem solver. In doing so, I subconsciously distanced myself from my friend, to the point where I felt sufficiently divided from her.
Why did I do this? Because I was there to help her. Not the other way around. I was concerned for her wellbeing. Not mine. After all, my friend was the one with the problem, not I.
How can a problem solver possibly be a part of the problem? How can the helper be the one being helped? They can’t. It makes perfect sense for us to be divided.
But of course, in the end, I realized that I was, in fact, a part of the problem. My distancing blinded me to this.
Second of all, in treating my friend as someone with a problem, I subconsciously elevated myself above her, to the point where I considered myself to have the superior authority to judge. Judge not only her problem as bad, but also my understanding of the problem as right.
Why? Well… Because I spent months studying depression. I may not have been the world’s expert, but I was surely a better judge than she was!
But of course, in the end, I realized that I was not a good judge at all. She was feeling the way she was, not because of depression, but because of something hurtful I had said. That’s not something I knew enough to claim authority. In other words, I didn’t know enough to elevate myself above her and judge.
So she was not wrong to reject my understanding. In fact, if anybody was wrong, it was me. I was wrong.
Finally, I held onto my distance and judgment. Not only that, but I also held on to a solution I had come up with even before entering the conversation.
Guess what solution I had imagined for my friend?
She. just had. to. cheer. up!
What a beautifully simple solution, right?
I held on to this solution, because I also held on to the judgment that my understanding of her was right.
But of course, in the end, I not only realized that my solution was wrong, but that the actual solution was completely new and unexpected. Yet, it was also so very obvious, simple, and even logical in hindsight. So much so that I could not understand why I hadn’t thought of in the first place. So what I had to do was actually let go of my judgment and solution, not hold on to them.
In the popular media, there is significant misunderstanding around what it means to empathize. Most confuse it with feeling what other people are feeling (That’s called emotional contagion.). Many people, like I did, also confuse techniques like active listening as being analogous to empathizing. It isn’t.
Empathizing isn’t something we do, it’s something that happens. It is an event and an experience, when we enter a state of feeling as if we’re connected or at one with an “other.” Reflecting on my mindset at the time, I now clearly see that I was entering a state that made it harder for myself to empathize with my friend. I thought I was empathizing, but I clearly wasn’t.
This isn’t to say that there’s nothing we can do. There are plenty of things we can do. Listening actively is one of them. It’s just that merely listening actively is not always enough.
Looking back, something that greatly surprised me was that once I empathized with her she thanked me.
Why was this surprising?
…
Because it was not what I thought was worthy of her gratitude.
…
It took me a significant amount of reflection before I became aware of the fact that my compassion was tied to my own need to make a contribution to her life. Reflection also helped me become aware of a belief I had, which was that to contribute to her life I had to problem solve.
Since I was unaware of how my own needs and beliefs were tied to this, I was so surprised that she didn’t appreciate this. In fact, after several trials, I started to feel indignant of how ungrateful she was of my efforts to help her. Why? Because she was not appreciating what I thought she should appreciate.
In hindsight, I am now more surprised that what I called “caring” meant little more than trying to persuade her. I wanted to get her appreciate what I appreciated. I was trying to manipulate her! Seen this way, I realized that the way I was expressing my compassion and contribution got in the way… of actually contributing to her life.
Such… is what I call the “irony of care.”
…
Now, let me be clear.
I do not wish to criticize the problem solving mindset.
A problem solving mindset is most certainly appropriate when faced with a problem like so:
1 + 1 = ___
Why?
Problem solve away if these conditions are met. It is only when these conditions are not met that you need an alternative mindset.
…
Now that I’m in my 40s, it’s been almost 20 years since the time of the incident with my friend. Yet, I still find this event to be a gift that keeps on giving.
In my work, I frequently work with CEOs who have no choice but to frame employee growth and engagement as a problem to be solved. I also work with employees who have no choice but to frame executive leadership as a problem to be solved. They both inevitably find out that problem solving is ill-suited for the situation. How do they find out? Usually, when the employees don’t grow much or leave and the executives start to burn-out or become even more agitated.
I recently gave a keynote at Cleveland Clinics’s Patient-Experience Summit, where I learned that doctors had framed patient-care as a problem to be solved. The patients, of course, had framed these doctors’ approach to care as a problem to be solved. As a result, not only were patients not getting any better and leaving to other hospitals, but the doctors were burning out as well. They had both learned that problem solving is ill-suited for the situation.
To judge any of these as good/bad or right/wrong misses the point. This is merely what happens naturally when we individually do not have the freedom to choose an alternative mindset to problem solving in the relationship that is giving rise to the problem solving mindset. It is also a natural byproduct of an environment that doesn’t make it any easier for people to empathize with each other.
Learning to choose an alternative mindset or designing an environment that makes it easier for people to empathize with each other is a difficult challenge. Perhaps a way to get us started is to ask ourselves and each other the following question and to answer it in an honest way.
Why do we believe the problem solving mindset is appropriate to our situation?”
• • •
Photo credit to Nicdalic