Expectation | Realizing Empathy

Jim Carey once said,
he acts,
because he’s broken.

For those who judge
“brokenness”
as “bad”
may feel triggered
by that comment.

But what I learned from art,
is that if “broken” implies
1) separated in parts
or 2) producing results
that defy our expectations,
then both
are requirements
for innovation.

Because parts
must be separated
before they can be
recomposed
into a new whole.

And the kind of whole
we seek in innovation
is the kind
that defies our expectations
enough to move us
in often surprising ways.

If being broken
means that I can not only
understand and appreciate,
but also artfully express
the depth and nuance
of the human experience
in ways I could not
otherwise have,
such that I impact the world
in positive ways,
as has Jim Carey,
then broken,
I am.

“I did my best.
I meditated.
I actively listened.
I created psychological safety.
Yet, they still let me down…”
a founder lamented.

…

Once upon a time,
I was cheated on.

Externally,
I was angry.

I thought I had done
my best,
and yet
this had still happened.

Some said,
that to recover
I needed to hear
her regret.

Perhaps.

But I was already overwhelmed
with my own.

“I should’ve done X.”
“I could’ve done Y better .”
“Why didn’t I know
that Z was not enough?”

Because internally,
I was ashamed.

In hindsight,
what I needed
was appreciation.

The kind
that would’ve helped me let go
of the unconscious belief
that I hadn’t actually
“done my best,”
and thus deserved
to be abandoned.

…

There are times,
when we think “doing our best”
means following best practices
as espoused by podcasts
or academic research.

It can.

So long as it also means
accepting we’ve done our best
even if the practices fail.

So long as it also means
learning to grieve
when they fail.

So long as it also means
leveraging the meaning
of them having failed.

All
for the purpose
of recovery.

I once told my mother, “You’ve lived a life of sacrifice. It’s time you lived for yourself.” She tells me this was a gift: a gift of permission.

As leaders, we often feel pressured to do things for others. It’s our way of being good, caring leaders.
We may also feel that unless we fulfill others’ expectations, we’re not good or good enough.

But what if these pressures and expectations are self-imposed?

Self-imposed notions of “good” or “caring” may be unappreciated—even resented—by others. Thus, “live for yourself” is an invitation, not to be selfish, but to be relieved of the pressure to satisfy false or unrealistic expectations. It is to make room in our relationship for realizing empathy.

We experience tension
when there’s a conflict
between what we expect or need
VS what we have
instead.

Design begins
when we take responsibility
for clarifying,
prioritizing,
and addressing
our tension.

Say we expect computers
to be more usable.
We begin to design
the moment we take responsibility
for clarifying,
prioritizing,
and addressing
this tension.

We don’t always design, though.

Sometimes
we push responsibility
away.

We blame.

This is normal.

Especially when tension
accompanies pain.

If we wish to design
may we attend to our pain
immediately.

Before it becomes
an untreated wound.

A wound that can be irritated
unexpectedly,
leaving us
with such a low threshold
for tension
that we end up spending
too much of our time blaming
instead of designing.

On April 8, 2011 at 2:16 p.m., I posted the first draft of what will eventually become the last story in the “Making and Empathy” chapter in the “Making and Empathy” chapter in the book “Realizing Empathy: An Inquiry Into the Meaning of Making” surrounding…

Irony is when we judge others as lacking empathy

Posts tagged ‘Expectation’

Conversation: Trust & Not Expecting