Author: Seung Chan Lim

For What Do We Want to be Appreciated?

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Each day,
write down one thing
your co-founder (or spouse) did—
that day or long ago—
you genuinely appreciated.
(Especially,
if it’s embarrassing to admit.)

On Christmas day,

  1. Agree to not negate
    or trivialize anything spoken.
  2. Share the list.
  3. Let them ask
    “How significant is this one
    and why?”

Human beings
have a need
to feel appreciated
for what they
want to feel appreciated
in the way they
want to be appreciated.

And yet,
too many times,
we appreciate them
for what we
appreciate about them
in the way we
like to show appreciation.

This can leave
our co-founders,
employees, or spouse
feeling unfulfilled,
resentful,
or betrayed
in their relationship
with us.

So end by asking,
“What one thing
do you wish I’d appreciate
about what you do
and how
do you want me
to show it?”

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An Alternative to Problem Solving

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Most of us were trained
to problem solve.

Many also assume—
incorrectly—
that problem solving
is the best form of help
we can offer.

Such training and assumption
can serve us well
and poorly.

Because sometimes—
despite our best intentions—
problem solving
makes things worse.

If you’ve been accused
of being selfish,
lacking empathy,
or not caring,
despite your best efforts
to help your spouse
by solving their problem
you know what I mean.

When problem solving
makes things worse,
may we return
to our intention to help,
so as to learn
new choices.

Choices
that are actually helpful.
Choices
that improve things.
Choices
other than
problem solving.

To be a Better Designer, Attend to Your Pain

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 1

We experience tension
when there’s a conflict
between what we expect or need
VS what we have
instead.

Design begins
when we take responsibility
for clarifying,
prioritizing,
and addressing
our tension.

Say we expect computers
to be more usable.
We begin to design
the moment we take responsibility
for clarifying,
prioritizing,
and addressing
this tension.

We don’t always design, though.

Sometimes
we push responsibility
away.

We blame.

This is normal.

Especially when tension
accompanies pain.

If we wish to design
may we attend to our pain
immediately.

Before it becomes
an untreated wound.

A wound that can be irritated
unexpectedly,
leaving us
with such a low threshold
for tension
that we end up spending
too much of our time blaming
instead of designing.

Care is Not the Only Fuel for Realizing Empathy

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 2

One of the most important things we learn
in our journey
of realizing empathy
is that our care
can actually get in the way
of realizing empathy.

Care is good,
but as a fuel for realizing empathy,
it often burns too quickly.

And once it burns out,
what’s left
are residues
of bitterness,
frustration,
and resentment.

Appreciation
is an alternative fuel
for realizing empathy.

It is not an intuitive fuel to use.
It is also not as strong.​
But it is powerful enough
in most cases.
It is also more sustainable.

There are different fuels
we can choose to use
when working towards
realizing empathy.

Let us choose
appropriately.

p.s: My colleague Julia Dorbic was gracious enough to interview me on a related topic called Bringing Design to Human-Human Interactions​.

When Diversity & Inclusion Programs Don’t Work

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Most diversity and inclusion programs are primarily concerned with biases. They attempt to change someone’s behavior by telling them they’re biased. This could be effective if people were merely unaware of their biases.

In all other cases, it’s important to recognize that biases may also be either directly or indirectly fulfilling a basic human need. If letting go of a bias means depriving ourselves of our needs, we’ll experience tension. Now it’s no longer just a matter of awareness. It’s also a matter of fulfilling our needs and relieving our tension. That’s much harder.

If we’re serious about diversity and inclusion, we have to also help people discover or create an alternative way of fulfilling their needs.

Human Literacy

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Computer literacy is all the rage these days.

It’s certainly nice to be computer literate. Important, even.

What about human literacy?

How to love.
How to grieve.
How to be be confident.
How to understand yourself.
How to manage your emotions.
How to fulfill each other’s needs.
How to be different with each other.
How to be honest despite fear of vulnerability.
…
We rarely pay attention to these. It’s as if we’re expected to just know how to do these things without training.

It’s often only after we have lost something precious (i.e. health, money, marriage) that we begin to pay attention to them.

By then it may be too late.

We need to start human literacy much sooner.

Certainty, not Uncertainty, Fuels Our Fear

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 1

We often say uncertainty
is scary.

Not exactly.

In situations of uncertainty,
there often co-exists
a feeling of certainty.

Except,
the certainty is of a negative future consequence.

Even if it’s not absolutely certain
something bad will happen.
It feels like it will.

What’s scary about uncertainty
is not uncertainty.

It’s the relationship
between feeling certain of a negative future consequence
and feeling uncertain of a positive future consequence.

Certainty is what fuels our fear.

To navigate uncertainty
we have to find a way
to decrease the certainty
of a negative future consequence.

In doing so,
we can start to let uncertainty excite our curiosity,
thereby turning it
into a motivator.

Pause, Reflect, Relieve Tension

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When we live a life
too busy
to pause
to reflect,
we can feel overwhelmed
with things
to do.

We’re constantly seeking
to release our tension.

Yet no matter what we do
we don’t feel our tension
release.

Mired in tension,
we also don’t feel
we have any room in our being
to be fully present
with others,
to be wholly honest
to others,
to be sufficiently receptive
of others.

So we interrupt them,
we present them
with a mask of politeness,
we yell
and criticize them.

All behaviors
that fuel disconnection
despite best intentions
and our—ironically—
deep-seated need
for connection.

One of the simplest,
yet most important
and difficult things we can do
as founders
is to relieve ourselves
of our own tension,
by realizing empathy
with ourselves.

Men, not Unlike Women, are Complex

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In a workshop I lead,
a woman—a wife—
publicly shared
that she never realized
how complex
men were.

She’s always assumed
men
were simple.

She witnessed
that when a coach creates a space
in which men
can be brave enough
to expose their feelings
of fear and shame
the complexity gets articulated.

It’s difficult o articulate what we’ve yet to learn how,
especially when there is social risk.

It often feels easier
to hide
or to repress.

Many men live this way
their entire lives.

There’s significant misunderstanding
or misperception
between men & women.

Much well-intended,
but overly simplistic misinformation
as well.
(i.e. Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus)

These may mask things in the short term,
but things can eventually erupt.