What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
To know
right
and wrong
is to become aware
of the context
in which judge
right
or wrong.
When we work inside a company,
we think we know what is right
and what is wrong,
without awareness
that the company in which we work
makes our judgment
right or wrong.
We are then surprised
that when the context changes
what we once thorugh right
or wrong
is no longer.
There are days
when we move
forward.
There are also days
when we
retreat.
It can be easier to value
forward movement
than retreat.
The only thing preventing us
from valuing our retreat
is what comes of
the retreat.
New direction?
learning?
Sometimes
when we say
we got great advice,
what we really mean
is that our intuition
was validated
or that the advice resulted
in our feeling
accepted.
Sometimes
we speak
as if we are
others.
“I am sad”
vs
“I am feeling sadness”
“I am a CEO”
vs
“I play the role of a CEO”
“I am fit”
vs
“I have a fit body”
Perhaps we speak this way
out of habit.
Perhaps we speak this way
when we hyper-empathize.
No matter the reason,
it’s worth creating
distinctions
and boundaries with them,
so we can empathize.
It can be hard
to validate others
when it seems as though
validating them
means
invalidating
ourselves.
It can be crucial
to ask yourself
whether it is true
that validating others
means
invalidating ourselves,
or
that we simply cannot see
the situation
in such a way
that validatings others
need not mean
invalidating
ourselves.
“I hate the fact
that the only way I can feel better
in my co-founder relationship
is to think of my co-founder
as an employee.”
said the founder.
“What do you mean?”
I asked.
“I have to lower my expectations.”
the founder answered.
“Lower how?”
I asked
“That he may not be able to support me
the way I want him
to support me.”
“What do you remember
as the single most
disrespectful event
you’ve experienced
as an employee?”
the founder asked.
“Being treated
as a means
to the company’s
ends”
I replied.
“But isn’t that
natural?”
she asked.
“From the company’s perspective,
perhaps.”
I replied.
“But from the employee’s
perspective
I’m sacrificing my time and energy
to be with you
when I could be
with someone else
We say
we have too much
to do.
When it may be
that we choose to do
more than we can
handle.
There are times
when taking responsibility
restores the power we need
to take charge
of our lives.
“Can you coach
one of my direct reports, too?”
asked the founder.
“Only if
you’re willing to accept the possibility
that they’ll feel empowered
to leave your company.”
I replied.
“How do I retain
my best employees?”
asked the founder.
Equally important is to choose to take responsibility in seeing that your employees are not for us to “retain.” They have a life journey they’re on and it is not up to us to “retain” them. No matter how much progress, meaning, and choice they feel there will come a time when your employee will want to leave. It’s worth reflecting on the deeper fear that is giving rise to the question of and address that more fundamentally.