Author: Seung Chan Lim

Our Need to Matter

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

One of the most difficult
and important need to manage
is our need to matter.

It is an existential need
that taps directly into our sense of self-worth.

Few are willing to admit to this need being a major driver.

Some admit to this in a roundabout way
by saying “I’m going to prove them wrong,”
which is a response to people who violated our need to matter.

Most will brush off the existence of this need
by emphasizing other needs
such as the need to contribute,
which is deemed more “altruistic,”
thus more acceptable and in alignment
with our desire to retain a self-image
of a “good” person.

Our need to matter
can serve as a powerful motivator to achieve something,
because achieving that thing may seem like the way to matter,
thus empowering us to persevere in the most difficult of times.

At the same time,
it can also blind us to behaviors that conspire against us.
Behaviors that, in hindsight, were excessive.
Behaviors we later regret.
Behaviors that may even cost us our lives
or lead to the demise of everything we’ve worked hard to build.

Our need to matter is a double-edged sword.

May we manage it
and manage well.

Two Different Uses of Force

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

First time we snowboard,
draw,
lead,
we tend to use a lot of force.

When our snowboarding,
pencil marks,
teammates,
are not to our liking,
we may apply even more force.

Years later,
when we snowboard,
draw,
lead,
we may feel more relaxed.

When we have to stop abruptly,
make a bold mark,
assert a final decision,
we may still use force.

But these are different uses of force.
In the first case,
it was probably because we were afraid of falling,
making a mistake,
being judged.

Once we can empathize with
the snowboard,
our drawing tools,
our teammates,
fear can vanish for a moment
in the experience of oneness
beyond “I” vs “them.”

Force used in fear
resists
Like two opponents wrestling.
Force used while empathizing
flows
Like two partners dancing.

Beyond the Horizon of Cynicism

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

One of the most common block to insight
is cynicism.

To realize empathy with cynicism
it can be useful to model it
as doubt + judgment.

This implies that
once we strip our cynicism of judgment,
we can more clearly confront our doubt.

Then as we develop the requisite skill and will
to zoom into our doubt,
it can lead to the discovery
of our worry or concern,
ultimately fear,
over a future we do not wish to see happen.

When we can clearly see and hear
this undesired future
we can also increase the probability
of realizing empathy,
which ultimately helps us create choices,​
the kind that gives us a feeling of possibility
beyond the horizon of cynicism,
which is a key
to designing toward a future
we do wish to see happen,
instead of staying stuck
unconsciously envisioning a future
we do not wish to see happen.

Option vs Choice

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 10

Options
need not
move us
to make
a choice.

For lunch,
we may have 5 options.
Yet, none of them
may move us
to make
a choice.

We can weigh the options
all we want,
but this may merely fuel
our inner conflict,
until we feel moved enough
to make
a choice.

Choices,
unlike options,
move us
to action.

Some choices
are made
begrudgingly.
Yet,
the kind I find fascinating
is the kind that arises
when we realize
empathy.

That moment,
when we’ve finally moved
from a state of dissonance—
of not empathizing—
to a state of resonance—
of empathizing.

That moment,
when what we once could not see
becomes surprisingly self-evident,
and oh so obvious
in hindsight,
making us go
“Oh, of course…!”
exclaiming at the possibility
that has just
unfolded.

p.s: My gratitude goes out to Dr. Paul Pangaro for the wonderful conversation that inspired this post.

When do we feel unappreciated?

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

Sometimes,
I coach professionals who aren’t
Founders or CEOs.

Guess who they complain about the most?
Their Founder or CEO.

What I often hear
is that they don’t feel appreciated
by their Founder or CEO.

This is a well-known phenomenon.

What still fascinates me, though,
is what they say the Founder or CEO could do
to give them this sense of appreciation.

Rarely do I hear things like
“Praise me for a job well done.”

More often than not I hear things like
“I wish they’d stop frowning when I’m sharing my ideas.”
“I wish they’d stop telling me to figure it out on my own, even if that’s what I end up doing.”

They were distressed about the sense of isolation they felt
when their Founder or CEO
dawned a particular facial expression
or told them to figure something out on their own
as they were in a vulnerable emotional state.

What’s perhaps ironic
is that many Founders or CEOs I coach
say the same thing
as they see the same behaviors
and feel the same emotions
in relation to their employees.

Being There

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

Several years back,
I visited a private high school.

There,
I did a workshop
where the students sketched
a blueprint of the kind of relationship
they wished to have
with their teachers
such that the teachers could more effectively
help them learn, create, grow, and mature.

The keyword they used
to sum up their sketch
was “being there.”

The students wanted teachers
who were willing to “be there” for them.

I then asked the students
to raise their hand
if they already had this kind of relationship.

2 out of ~40 students raised their hand.

After this incident,
it become a priority for me
to form this kind of relationship,
with those whom I have committed
to help learn, create, grow, and mature.

I’m grateful for this lesson
I learned
from those students.

Time for Another Metaphor

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 1

One
of the most important concepts
in my first book
is metaphors.

Metaphors
connect two seemingly
unrelated
ideas.

In doing so,
it can help us discover
new
or unexpected insights
into something we were previously
unaware.

For example,
while I was on tour
with my book
I shared the psychological pain
and struggle
I experienced
in the artistic
creative
process..

To my surprise,
entrepreneurs
resonated more deeply with my experience
than others.​

It turns out
entrepreneurs experience
similar psychological/interpersonal pain
and struggle
in the process
of launching
and running
their business.

This experience helped me
create a metaphor
between the experience of artists
and the experience of entrepreneurs,
which lead me to do
what I do
now.

But until I created
that metaphor
I used to often say
that I don’t understand entrepreneurs.

If I said I do understand,
it was just so I could feel entitled
to say something negative
about them.

So now
whenever I say
I don’t understand someone
or say I do understand them
just so I can say something negative about them,
I tell myself
that it’s time
for another
metaphor.

Giving Up

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

It’s ok to give up.

What may be more important
is getting to the heart of what we want.

Not the thing we say or think we want,
but the thing for which our heart yearns,
floating right on the threshold
of our conscious and sub-conscious.

Once we become aware of what this is,
we tend to realize that there are many ways to attain this.

In that moment, “giving up” becomes
but a matter of giving up one of many methods of attaining this.

If so,
“giving up” can eliminate the very thing getting in the way
of making progress:
our insistence on a particular method.
Thereby helping us make greater progress
toward attaining what we want
if even if it is merely temporary.

Becoming Aware of Our Tension

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 3

One way
to sort the behaviors
that arise from too much tension
is into 5 categories.

It can be useful
to simply notice
and to acknowledge these behaviors
as natural human reactions
to our desire to relieve ourselves
of too much tension,
instead of judging them
as good/bad
or right/wrong.

This can give us
the requisite room in our mind
to not only appreciate the tension we experience,
but also the tension experienced by others
when they behave
the same way.

Manipulation and Creation

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 1

Manipulation
involves the desire
to move someone
or something
to a place or state
the manipulator expects.

This is not to judge manipulation
as good/bad or right/wrong.

Through mutual agreement
& rationalization,
one can differentiate between
transparent
vs. surreptitious,
well-intended
vs. ill-intended,
manipulation.

A magic show
can be thought of as
transparent manipulation.
Feeding kids hidden vegetables
can be thought of
as well-intended manipulation.

But manipulation stands
in some sense,
opposite of creation,
because creation
involves the desire
to let emerge
a place or product
the creator did not expect.