What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
We often think micro-management entails meddling with every little detail from the moment we delegate work to another person.
Actually, there is another form of micro-management.
This is where we give someone the autonomy to do whatever they want, only to meddle with every little detail once they bring back the fruit of their autonomous labor.
The only difference here is when we micro-manage, not whether we micro-manage.
With accumulated life experience arises fear.
Between fear and care arises concern and anxiety.
Our concerns are well-intended.
Yet, when we behave out of anxiety,
it can also do harm.
How many parents ever intend to hurt their child?
Very few.
Yet, we were hurt by them.
Often by behaviors that arose out of anxiety.
I have yet to coach a CEO who does not care about their co-founders or employees.
Yet, these others were hurt by the CEO.
Often by behaviors that arose out of anxiety.
Same holds for CEOs hurt by co-founders or employees.
Not caring isn’t always the issue.
The challenge is also to care without anxiety.
It is to regulate our own tension.
A difficult, but necessary skill to learn as a leader.
The less we trust another person,
the more rules we wish to impose on them.
We say we want to be strong.
And by strong, we usually mean strong alone.
We can also be strong together.
And by being strong together,
I don’t mean helping others become strong alone.
Nor do I mean getting help so we can become strong alone.
I mean being strong by virtue of being together.
To be strong together is to be dependent, even for a moment.
Dependent is a dirty word with which nobody wants to be associated .
Yet, there are things we must depend on others to achieve.
Survival is one such thing.
Few things are more rewarding than knowing that we are needed.
Few things are more deadly than thinking we are not.
Perceiving people merely in their roles makes it easy for us to take them for granted in that moment.
You’re my mother, of course you cook for me.
You’re my child, of course you obey my orders.
You’re my employer, of course you pay me.
You’re my employee, of course you work hard for me.
You’re a doctor, of course you cure my ill.
You’re my patient, of course you do what I tell you.
The more we strip away the roles and see eye-to-eye, as human beings, the easier it is to appreciate each other.
The less appreciated we feel, the more resentment we let build in our relationship.
The more resentment we let build in our relationship, the more difficult it is to perceive beyond the roles.
Thus forms a vicious cycle.
I still remember the day I realized I was not living my own life.
I was shocked.
Why?
Because I prided myself on living my own life.
I had been intentionally deviating from what my friends were doing.
I thought I was living my own life.
But no.
It turns out I’d been conforming to nonconformity.
I’d been playing the role of a “rebel.”
Much of our lives are spent playing roles: a good son, a caring parent, a resilient entrepreneur, a modernist painter, a stoic physician, …
As we do, we mistake pretending for being ourselves.
Actually. No.
We mistake pretending for being.
Hamlet once said “To be or not to be, that is the question.”
Let us ask this question.
Lest we die having never lived.
Some of our tensions
come from sitting around
hunched over
a computer screen.
Go running.
Do a few burpees.
Stand up
and write on the whiteboard.
If you’re breathing shallow,
breathe from your belly.
Stand tall,
look up at the ceiling for a few seconds
and smile.
Submerge your face
in ice-cold water for a few seconds,
a few times.
For a period of time,
walk around
holding a frozen water bottle in your hand.
Receive emotional support.
Get the help of a professional.
Whatever you do,
may we remember
there exists the option
to choose to take the first step
to relieving our tension.
Whether we do it ourselves
or ask for the help of others,
may we make the choice.
Now.
We say we have
given.
Be it our care,
time,
or money, …
Yet, sometimes
we tightly hold on
to the memory
of having given.
If we’re not merely
remembering,
but holding on
to the memory
of having given,
then perhaps we have lent,
not given.
A trap we often fall into is “either/or” thinking.
Someone professes their pain, we think they mean our pain is less. Not necessarily.
Someone says their achievement is great, we think they mean our achievement is less. Not necessarily.
Someone says something they have is worth much, we think they mean something we have is worth less. Not necessarily.
As the saying goes, it’s easy to judge others by their behaviors while judging ourselves by our intentions.
It can be difficult to realize our empathy so as to understand what others intend to mean over what we think they mean.
Yet, this can save us a ton of time and energy in the end.
People say we fear
failure.
I’m not sure
how many people actually fear
failure.
What most of us fear
is what other people will think of us
when they’ve found out
that we’ve failed.