To appreciate our best
sometimes requires us to let go
of our tendency to judge our best not by I our best
by external best.
Quotes
Not Growing
Sometimes an employee
who doesnt seem to grow
may be growing
just not at the speed at which
we want them to grow
“My employees
are not growing!”
said the founder.
“not growing?
or not meeting your expectations?”
I asked.
Let us start from a place of honesty
instead of judgment
“My boss
is annoying”
said the employee
Is she an annoying person
or is your judgement of her
giving rise
to your annoyance?
I wouldn’t have
We sometimes say
“if I were them,
I wouldn’t have done that.”
The question is not merely
whether we would have behaved
differently.
The question is
had we the same
emotions,
intentions,
needs,
and values
whether we would have behaved
differently.
Better Be…
When we hyper-empathize
with someone
or something,
Our self-worth
becomes contingent upon
that someone
or something,
Our self-image
depends on the perception of
that someone
or something.
It can be hard
not to hyper-empathize
with someone
or something.
That someone
or something
better be really important.
Process vs Outcome
When we give advice,
we often offer
an outcome.
“Have courage.”
“Forgive.”
“Be patient.”
…
All outcomes
that arise
from a process.
…
Instead of giving advice,
what if we were to ask
questions?
“What would you need
right now
to feel
courage?”
“What is it
that makes it difficult
for you
to forgive?”
“What pain arises
when you seek to practice
patience?”
Questions
that guide people
through
the process.
Self
Think of the “self”
as possibilities.
What will arise in the moment
as “self”
may be contingent upon
numerous variables
not the least of which
is our judgment
of what is right
vs
wrong.
Vengefulness
Vengefulness
can be
a request.
One saying,
“I want you
to empathize.”
“I want you
to empathize
with what it was like
for me to go through
what I went through.”
“I want my experience
to be appreciated,
respected,
and deemed worthy
of attention.”
“I want my experience
to matter.”
Lacking Empathy
“Maybe
I lack empathy.”
remarked the founder.
“Says who?”
I asked.
“My wife.”
he responded.
“When
did she say this?”
I asked.
“Last night.”
he responded.
“Right before she judged you
as lacking empathy,
was she criticizing
something
or someone you deeply
care about?”
I asked.
“Yes,
my mother.
She was criticizing
my mother.
How did you know?”
he remarked.
“I want you to know
that when someone
or something
with which you hyper-empathize
is being attacked
it can be very difficult
for you to empathize
with the attacker.”
I explained.
“That
is a normal
and natural phenomenon.”
I continued.
Judgment
The Feeling of Support
While we may think
that we’re providing autonomy
for the employees’ benefit,
our employees
can actually feel
left alone
without support.
While we may think
that we’re expressing our concern
for the company’s benefit
our employers
can actually feel
uncared for
without support.
…
Support
is an event.
Just
as the confidence of an engineer
does not guarantee
whether the structure they built
is supportive,
our intention to support
does not guarantee
that support
happens.