What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
Vengefulness
can be
a request.
One saying,
“I want you
to empathize.”
“I want you
to empathize
with what it was like
for me to go through
what I went through.”
“I want my experience
to be appreciated,
respected,
and deemed worthy
of attention.”
“I want my experience
to matter.”
“Maybe
I lack empathy.”
remarked the founder.
“Says who?”
I asked.
“My wife.”
he responded.
“When
did she say this?”
I asked.
“Last night.”
he responded.
“Right before she judged you
as lacking empathy,
was she criticizing
something
or someone you deeply
care about?”
I asked.
“Yes,
my mother.
She was criticizing
my mother.
How did you know?”
he remarked.
“I want you to know
that when someone
or something
with which you hyper-empathize
is being attacked
it can be very difficult
for you to empathize
with the attacker.”
I explained.
“That
is a normal
and natural phenomenon.”
I continued.
While we may think
that we’re providing autonomy
for the employees’ benefit,
our employees
can actually feel
left alone
without support.
While we may think
that we’re expressing our concern
for the company’s benefit
our employers
can actually feel
uncared for
without support.
…
Support
is an event.
Just
as the confidence of an engineer
does not guarantee
whether the structure they built
is supportive,
our intention to support
does not guarantee
that support
happens.
May we ask
whether we desire
being
and creating with someone
or giving to
and receiving from them.
The more we want to give to,
or receive from someone,
the harder it can become
to be
or to create with them.
Being
or creating with someone
requires being present,
without expectation,
suspending our need
to fulfill a need,
and instead
letting emergence guide us
through uncertainty.
Imagine
a tight rope
walker.
Without
a net on the ground
for the future,
it can be difficult for her
to feel
safe.
Without
a supportive rope
in the present,
it can be difficult for her
to feel
stable.
Without
sufficient preparation
prior,
it can be difficult for her
to feel
secure.
When we feel
hesitant
or vulnerable,
it may be useful
to ask ourselves
which of the 3
is missing,
“I want to kill him,”
she said,
her heads down,
referring to her co-founder.
“Tell me how you’d do it.”
I asked,
“What?”
she looked up
puzzled.
“I want to hear your plan.”
I responded.
“Ha ha ha!”
she laughed out loud.
I smiled,
noticing her shoulders relax
and tension release.
We tend to associate
progress
with forward movement.
But sometimes
stopping
and not moving at all
can be progress,
if that’s what’s required
for us gain the clarity required
to move
not merely forward,
but in the direction
we desire.
We are born
to need
the support of others.
This is more obvious,
when we’re near birth
or near death.
In between,
we may pretend
we don’t need
support
or we may think
we’re weak
if we do.
Sometimes
we run workshops on empathy,
focused on behaviors
without much focus
on the experience
of empathizing,
inadvertently teaching
manipulation.
As the computer software
“ELIZA,”
has shown,
you can enact
all the “right” behaviors
associated with empathy
without ever actually
empathizing.