What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
Empathizing
is an experience.
You can enact
all the “right” behaviors
associated with empathy
without ever actually
empathizing.
The computer software
“ELIZA,”
has shown this.
Yet,
to this day,
we still run workshops on empathy,
focused on behaviors
without much focus
on the experience,
teaching nothing more
than manipulation,
even if
unintentionally.
When we work hard
we sometimes
lose
our way.
It’s nobody’s
fault.
When we work hard,
we tend to
focus.
When we focus,
we can
obsess.
When we obsess,
we can get
impatient.
When we get impatient,
we can become
myopic.
When we become myopic,
our priorities
can be decided for us
by our myopia,
instead
of our holistic
vision.
When our decisions
are made for us
by our myopia
instead
of our holistic
vision,
we can feel
lost.
It can be exceptionally hard
to be still
when this happens.
Especially so,
when we feel pressured
by external forces
and the fear of failure
looms large.
So we keep going
despite feeling
lost.
When we realize empathy,
we come to see
what we previously
did not.
When we see
the unseen,
we come to know
what we previously
did not.
When we know
the unknown,
we come to comprehend
what we previously
did not.
When we comprehend
the incomprehensible,
we come to appreciate
what we previously
did not.
When we appreciate
the unappreciated,
we come to experience
life
in ways we previously
did not.
Writing down
our mind
and sharing it
with others
can make it much easier
for them to read
our mind.
What if
we’re too busy
helping
…
to realize
that we
need help?
What if
we’re too busy
wanting
…
to realize
that we already
have it?
What if
we’re too busy
persuading
…
to realize
that we need only
ask for it.
“When
did you start losing
trust
in the CTO?” I asked
the CEO.
“Our 3rd co-founder
was underperforming.
He came to us one day
to explain
that his underperformance
was due
to his father’s
illness.”
he answered.
“After he left,
the CTO told me in private
that he believed
that
was just an excuse.”
he continued.
“Sure,
it may have been
an excuse.
But the 3 of us
had been friends
for 10 years
before founding
the company.
I could easily see
how the CTO
would judge me the same way
if I were in a pinch.
…
I no longer felt
she was with me.”
he concluded.
We know
we should be
more kind.
We know
we should be
more understanding.
We know
we should be
more present.
What’s difficult
is being this way
when we feel
that others
are not being this way
with us.
When people say
“I feel uncertain.”
The temptation
is to say something clever,
like
“There was never a time
that was certain.”
As true
as that may be,
that can shut down
a valuable opportunity
for innovation,
where we can support their reflection
on what negative outcome
feels certain.
Just as a maze
can be more easily navigated
when we see its whole
—from above it—
than when we see it partially
—from within it—,
when we see our problem in its whole,
the solution
can often become obvious.
Then perhaps
the first step
to seeing the whole
was to realize
that we were seeing it
from within.
That we,
our perspectives,
were a part
of the problem.
Sometimes
“weak”
is merely us judging
someone’s pain
as unworthy
of appreciation.