What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
There is no such thing
as “over-”
thinking.
There is merely
“thinking”
that either we
or others
judge
as “too much.”
Instead of judging ourselves or others,
may we realize empathy
with our own thought process
so we can learn
why
our mind is behaving the way it is,
then support them
to address its concerns
to relieve it
of its tension.
May we ask
whether we desire
being
and creating with someone
or giving to
and receiving from them.
The more we want to give to,
or receive from someone,
the harder it can become
to be
or to create with them.
Being
or creating with someone
requires being present,
without expectation,
suspending our need
to fulfill a need,
and instead
letting emergence guide us
through uncertainty.
If our tension
was created by our resistance
to fear.
By loving our fear
we can also
release it
Perfection
is a feeling.
What is perfect
to one
is imperfect
to another.
What is perfect
one day
is not perfect
the next.
We can misunderstand perfection
if we focus solely
on clarifying the measurement
of perfection.
We can better understand perfection
by clarifying the tension
underlying the drive
for perfection.
Tension
beyond a certain threshold
will cause damage,
small or big.
Damage
will cause pain,
little or much.
Pain
will yield behaviors
intended to soothe
or prevent further pain.
Some of these behaviors
can damage our relationship to others,
unintentionally.
And yet,
if we
and our relationships
can recover from the damage,
both can develop,
as our muscles do
when they incur damages
from the significant tension they experience
from exercise.
Validation
has somehow become
a dirty word.
So has attention.
It’s as if
seeking validation
or attention
is shameful.
…
Human beings need
validation
and attention.
Without it,
we’ll die
a slow death.
It’s one thing
to suggest behavioral changes
as to how
when
and from whom
people seek validation
or attention.
It’s quite another
to shame
the human need
for attention
or validation.
This may only increase
the tension
living inside
humanity,
and, in turn,
may either provoke
the very behaviors we dislike
or merely make it
less visible,
and perhaps,
as a result,
make it,
more
dangerous.
Focusing on a desire
of what we want
can create the tension
required to motivate us
to keep moving
toward the future.
And yet,
such desire alone
can often lead us
to inadvertently focus
on where we are not.
It is in being aware
of not only our desire,
but also the progress
we’ve made thus far
that we may recognize
where we are.
It is in this awareness,
where notions of
past, present, and future
can make way
for a sense
of belonging.
A sense
that we deserve
to be where we are,
thanks not only
to our own merits,
but also the merit
of our supporters,
and our circumstances.
10 years ago,
my mother
realized empathy with herself
and discovered
that all this time
she had unconsciously assumed
she had to do what she felt
was not worth doing,
only
to make others happy.
Ironically,
once she felt
she was given permission
to stop doing these things,
those around her
felt happier.
Why?
Because
She behaved toward them
less out of the resentment
left over
from doing so many things
out of obligation.
Something similar
happens in leadership.
…
Some founders I coach
started out thinking
it was their responsibility
to make everyone around them
happy.
A tall order.
Especially so,
because behaviors arising
from the tension they held
from that very sense
of responsibility
was contributing
to the unhappiness
of those around them.
But they needed permission
to invest the time and effort
to manage their own tension.
Because it felt selfish
to do so.
So instead,
they chose
“to be strong.”
…
The saying,
“Happy parents,
Happy kids”
is not a permission
to be selfish.
It is an invitation
to journey into
the vulnerable
and creative process
of survival
together
by striving
to be the best support
we possibly can
for each other.
Still a tall order,
but together.
One way
to sort the behaviors
that arise from too much tension
is into 5 categories.
It can be useful
to simply notice
and to acknowledge these behaviors
as natural human reactions
to our desire to relieve ourselves
of too much tension,
instead of judging them
as good/bad
or right/wrong.
This can give us
the requisite room in our mind
to not only appreciate the tension we experience,
but also the tension experienced by others
when they behave
the same way.
Richard Feynman—
Physicist—
once said,
“Paradox
is only a conflict between
Reality
vs
Our feeling of what reality
ought to be.”
I define tension
as a conflict between
What we have
vs
What we need or value.
When I noticed
the remarkable similarity
between these two,
I realized
that we can either
judge tension as “bad,”
so as to frame it as a “problem.”
or
We can let it evoke
our curiosity and wonder
so as to frame it
as a “paradox.”
The choice
can be ours.
