What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
Suffering,
signals feeling stuck
without a choice.
To be relieved of suffering,
we need to learn
a new choice.
Often times,
this requires the support
of others.
As new choices often arise
out of a surprising shift
in perspective,
it’s easier
to let others surprise us,
than to surprise us
ourselves.
May we
be such a support.
May we
reach out
for such a support.
We sometimes resent
not being heard by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t hear us
is because
they are in dire need
to be heard by us.
We sometimes resent
not being supported by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t support us
is because
they are in dire need
of our support.
We sometimes resent
not being respected by someone
unaware
that the reason why they won’t respect us
is because
they are in dire need
of our respect.
By whom
will this Gordian Knot
be severed?
“I have to repress it.”
said the CEO.
“Why?” I asked.
“I’m afraid
I’m going to crumble,
if I let myself experience it.”
she responded.
The ‘it’
being unpleasant emotions.
Most people
have difficulty processing
unpleasant emotions.
It’s no wonder
positive thinking life hacks
such as gratitude journaling
has taken off.
Except,
they merely mask the symptoms,
and blinds us
to the valuable information
encoded in the unpleasant emotions.
When I was researching art,
it was remarkable to witness
how actors-in-rehearsal
were supported
by their director and scene partners
in decoding the information
encoded in unpleasant emotions.
I also witnessed
over and over again,
how the information,
when decoded,
inspired the actors
to unleash their potential
for a brilliant performance
that lay dormant until then.
This
is the kind of teamwork we need
in business.
“I did my best.
I meditated.
I actively listened.
I created psychological safety.
Yet, they still let me down…”
a founder lamented.
…
Once upon a time,
I was cheated on.
Externally,
I was angry.
I thought I had done
my best,
and yet
this had still happened.
Some said,
that to recover
I needed to hear
her regret.
Perhaps.
But I was already overwhelmed
with my own.
“I should’ve done X.”
“I could’ve done Y better .”
“Why didn’t I know
that Z was not enough?”
Because internally,
I was ashamed.
In hindsight,
what I needed
was appreciation.
The kind
that would’ve helped me let go
of the unconscious belief
that I hadn’t actually
“done my best,”
and thus deserved
to be abandoned.
…
There are times,
when we think “doing our best”
means following best practices
as espoused by podcasts
or academic research.
It can.
So long as it also means
accepting we’ve done our best
even if the practices fail.
So long as it also means
learning to grieve
when they fail.
So long as it also means
leveraging the meaning
of them having failed.
All
for the purpose
of recovery.
We often confuse
rumination
with reflection
When we ruminate,
our minds race,
overwhelming us with anxiety,
which makes it difficult for us
to think
or to communicate
clearly
and effectively.
In this state,
those around us
can feel confused
and insecure,
which leaves them
unwilling
or unable
to support us,
which then leaves us
feeling isolated
and lonely,
which fuels our anxiety
and overwhelm.
A vicious cycle,
this is.
A company is
—among other things—
a play.
Just as Shakespeare once said
—all the world’s a stage,
and all the men and women
merely players—
when we first start our company,
we cast ourselves into roles.
CEO
CTO
COO
What we forget
is that there is no script.
In fact,
we mistake scripts
from other plays
as our own.
Which leads us to think
that we know what a CEO
is supposed to be like.
To think we know
what a CTO or a COO
is supposed
to be like.
To think we know what a father,
a wife,
a son,
a designer,
is supposed
to be like.
The question is
“In which play?”
…
There comes a time
in the lifecycle of an organization
—more than once—
where we need to revisit
our roles.
Not merely to redefine them,
But also to start writing
our own play
together.
A play
all of us want
to be in.
A founder
was feeling burnt-out.
“When was your last vacation?” I asked.
He couldn’t remember.
“I can’t take one.
My employees are working.
I should be there to help them.” he added.
“What emotions do you experience
when you think of taking a vacation?” I asked.
“…Guilt.” he answered.
“Let that sink in.
That’s significant.” I remarked.
He first looked puzzled,
but soon his eyes widened
and he blurted out
“Oh!
I see!
We should all take a vacation!”
…
When we feel responsible for “others,”
it’s not unnatural
to feel concern
for their suffering.
With sufficient concern
it’s also not unnatural,
to want
to help.
This is known
as compassion.
Despite best intentions,
however,
the impact of compassion
can also make things worse for others,
and burn us out, as well.
Sometimes,
we need to tame our compassion
to put aside our need to help “others,”
and instead help our “self”
through a vulnerably creative process.
A process
by which we can realize empathy
unexpectedly,
and let emerge
a connected entity
“we”
between self and other.
A process
by which we can learn
a new choice of sight,
that synthesizes
an unpredicted form of help
that helps not other
not self,
but us.
Words often mislead us.
This is normal.
In fact,
I spent much of my first book
talking about how words like
courage,
humility,
respecting,
listening,
considering,
acting,
had misled me.
Words do often lead our attention.
Yet, where the attention is led
can surprise us,
because words only have meaning in context,
And that context resides
not only with the person uttering the word,
but also the person interpreting it.
So much of our verbal disagreements happen
because we are unwilling
to let others lead our attention
to their meaning.
We’re more interested in arguing
that their use of the word is “wrong” or “bad,”
while our use is “right” or “good.”
Perhaps.
Except we’re back to the problem solver’s mindset.
Let us be honest.
Is this mindset helping us solve the problem?
If so,
great.
If not…
It may be time
to switch
to the paradox dissolver’s mindset.
First time we snowboard,
draw,
lead,
we tend to use a lot of force.
When our snowboarding,
pencil marks,
teammates,
are not to our liking,
we may apply even more force.
Years later,
when we snowboard,
draw,
lead,
we may feel more relaxed.
When we have to stop abruptly,
make a bold mark,
assert a final decision,
we may still use force.
But these are different uses of force.
In the first case,
it was probably because we were afraid of falling,
making a mistake,
being judged.
Once we can empathize with
the snowboard,
our drawing tools,
our teammates,
fear can vanish for a moment
in the experience of oneness
beyond “I” vs “them.”
Force used in fear
resists
Like two opponents wrestling.
Force used while empathizing
flows
Like two partners dancing.
Sometimes,
I coach professionals who aren’t
Founders or CEOs.
Guess who they complain about the most?
Their Founder or CEO.
What I often hear
is that they don’t feel appreciated
by their Founder or CEO.
This is a well-known phenomenon.
What still fascinates me, though,
is what they say the Founder or CEO could do
to give them this sense of appreciation.
Rarely do I hear things like
“Praise me for a job well done.”
More often than not I hear things like
“I wish they’d stop frowning when I’m sharing my ideas.”
“I wish they’d stop telling me to figure it out on my own, even if that’s what I end up doing.”
They were distressed about the sense of isolation they felt
when their Founder or CEO
dawned a particular facial expression
or told them to figure something out on their own
as they were in a vulnerable emotional state.
What’s perhaps ironic
is that many Founders or CEOs I coach
say the same thing
as they see the same behaviors
and feel the same emotions
in relation to their employees.