Sometimes
a vicious cycle
starts,
unintended,
when we take responsibility
for others’ happiness.
Sometimes
a virtuous cycle
starts,
ironically,
when we take responsibility
for our own happiness.
Tag: Responsibility
Magic Words
Thank you.
Please.
I’m sorry.
Three
magic words.
…
If I may add
one more,
it would be…
“If something goes wrong,
I’ll take responsibility for it.”
Unshared Weight
“The weight
of responsibility
is so heavy.”
remarked the Founder.
“No.”
I responded.
“The weight
of unshared responsibility
is heavy.”
I continued.
“The weight
will be the same
no matter what.
The choice you have
is with whom
you’ll share it
and how.
The choice is yours
and yours
only.”
I remarked.
Boundary of Responsibility
May we ask ourselves
where
our responsibility
ends.
Where
the limits
of our ability to respond
lies.
Because our responsibility ends,
where our ability ends.
To assume otherwise,
can be an easy way
to set us up
for frustration
and resentment.
Support vs Rescue
When I rescue,
I
take responsibility
for carrying out the actions
that increase the chance
of someone’s survival.
When I support,
I help someone
learn
the choice to take responsibility
for carrying out the actions
that increase the chance
of their own survival.
Hampered Responsibility
If responsibility
is response + ability —
as in our ability to respond
to a given situation —
then
it is only human
that when we experience too much tension,
our responsibility
gets hampered,
the range of our responsibility
gets diminished.
Others
may wish to hold us accountable
or our own sense of duty and obligation
may haunt us,
but neither
helps us recover
our hampered
responsibility
or restore
our range
of responsibility.
To take responsibility
back,
our tension
has to be released.
My Fault
There are times
when it seems so clear
that the fault
is ours.
I raised my child poorly.
I lead my company to bankruptcy.
I failed to support my spouse.
This often happens
when there are two things
equally clear
if you’re willing
to see them.
First,
is that you’re someone
who is willing
to take
responsibility.
Second,
is that you have
emotional needs.
Perhaps the need
to be forgiven.
Upon seeing these two things
clearly,
may you learn the choice
to take responsibility
for fulfilling
your own emotional needs
as well as worrying
about the emotional needs
of others.
Happy Parents, Happy Kids
10 years ago,
my mother
realized empathy with herself
and discovered
that all this time
she had unconsciously assumed
she had to do what she felt
was not worth doing,
only
to make others happy.
Ironically,
once she felt
she was given permission
to stop doing these things,
those around her
felt happier.
Why?
Because
She behaved toward them
less out of the resentment
left over
from doing so many things
out of obligation.
Something similar
happens in leadership.
…
Some founders I coach
started out thinking
it was their responsibility
to make everyone around them
happy.
A tall order.
Especially so,
because behaviors arising
from the tension they held
from that very sense
of responsibility
was contributing
to the unhappiness
of those around them.
But they needed permission
to invest the time and effort
to manage their own tension.
Because it felt selfish
to do so.
So instead,
they chose
“to be strong.”
…
The saying,
“Happy parents,
Happy kids”
is not a permission
to be selfish.
It is an invitation
to journey into
the vulnerable
and creative process
of survival
together
by striving
to be the best support
we possibly can
for each other.
Still a tall order,
but together.
Just the Way You Are
Despite grieving
their lost youth.
Despite feeling
unworthy
in front of their employees.
Despite lacking
a mere one good night’s sleep.
There are those who are willing
to light themselves up
again
and again
and again
in the crucible
of responsibility.
Customer complaints,
Employee demands,
Investor rejections.
All that is said
may well be right.
And yet
the weight,
the burden,
the load,
is one
and the same.
…
It is a haze
that last moment of breath.
If a mere 10 minutes
may we put it all down
to let out a big
sigh.
Despite the tightening of our chest.
Despite the sight
of our inflated belly
that we may despise
May we feel that sense
of fulfillment
arise from within.
You’re a miracle
for having survived til now.
You’ve done well
for having stayed alive
breathing.
I’m proud of you
just the way
you are.
Choose to Relieve Your Tension
Some of our tensions
come from sitting around
hunched over
a computer screen.
Go running.
Do a few burpees.
Stand up
and write on the whiteboard.
If you’re breathing shallow,
breathe from your belly.
Stand tall,
look up at the ceiling for a few seconds
and smile.
Submerge your face
in ice-cold water for a few seconds,
a few times.
For a period of time,
walk around
holding a frozen water bottle in your hand.
Receive emotional support.
Get the help of a professional.
Whatever you do,
may we remember
there exists the option
to choose to take the first step
to relieving our tension.
Whether we do it ourselves
or ask for the help of others,
may we make the choice.
Now.