When we hyper-empathize
we can conflate
what is in our own best interest
with what is in the best interest
of the other
with which
we hyper-empathize.
That other
maybe our company,
our children,
or any number
of “others.”
Tag: Hyper-Empathizing
Lacking Empathy
“Maybe
I lack empathy.”
remarked the founder.
“Says who?”
I asked.
“My wife.”
he responded.
“When
did she say this?”
I asked.
“Last night.”
he responded.
“Right before she judged you
as lacking empathy,
was she criticizing
something
or someone you deeply
care about?”
I asked.
“Yes,
my mother.
She was criticizing
my mother.
How did you know?”
he remarked.
“I want you to know
that when someone
or something
with which you hyper-empathize
is being attacked
it can be very difficult
for you to empathize
with the attacker.”
I explained.
“That
is a normal
and natural phenomenon.”
I continued.
Cost of Hyper-Empathizing
When something
or someone
with which we hyper-empathize
is threatened,
we can obsess over rescuing
or protecting
that something
or someone
with which
we hyper-empathize.
This can drive us
to lose sight
of everything around us
and focus solely
on the survival
of only those
with which we hyper-empathize,
even if
it is at the expense of others
with whom
we do not
hyper-empathize,
even if the other
is our so-called
“self.”
Tension to Pain
Tension
beyond a certain threshold
will cause damage,
small or big.
Damage
will cause pain,
little or much.
Pain
will yield behaviors
intended to soothe
or prevent further pain.
Some of these behaviors
can damage our relationship to others,
unintentionally.
And yet,
if we
and our relationships
can recover from the damage,
both can develop,
as our muscles do
when they incur damages
from the significant tension they experience
from exercise.
With Whom or What do We Hyper-Empathize?
To find out
with whom
or what
you’re hyper-empathizing,
notice how you react
when things
or people
other than your “self”
are threatened.
It’s not You. It’s me.
It’s not you.
It’s me.
The person I’m speaking to
in conversation,
that is.
It’s true.
I sometimes speak
with my past self
instead of you,
the person
in front of me.
I know
this can confuse
sometimes even anger
or frustrate
you.
When that happens,
I want you to know
that it’s not you,
it’s me.
It’s just that,
the pain
of my past experience
is simply too much
to bear.
So although
I know
that as a leader
I must do better.
There are times
when it feels
as if I must proclaim
—No, shout—
in order to remind myself
to never experience
the same pain
ever again.
On Sacrifice
When we
hyper-empathize,
the distinctions and boundaries
between “self”
and “other”
vanish.
So when we feel
the “other”—
be it a person,
a thing,
or an idea—
is in danger,
it feels as if we
are in danger.
This makes it natural
for us to throw ourselves
onto incoming traffic
to save the lives
of such
an other.
To us,
this does not feel
like a sacrifice.
It merely feels
as if it’s a universal
human
reflex.
So much so
that sometimes
we think the other
would have done the same
for us.
Whether or not
that is true
is beside
the point.
Gratitude vs Indebtedness
Gratitude
is an emotion.
Indebtedness
is a judgment one makes
on top of gratitude
to inject our being
with a noble burden.
One that whispers
“You must pay this back.
If you don’t,
you’re not good enough.”
A burden
that sometimes leads us
to hyper-empathize
with the person
to whom
we feel indebted.
To Reflect
What does it mean
to reflect?
Stand in front of a mirror.
The mirror
will reflect.
By mirror,
I mean a relationship
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
from an interfacing
perspective.
By an interfacing perspective,
I mean a perspective
from which we can receive the choice
to see ourselves
as an “other”
with which we can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.
Go ahead.
Look into the mirror
and see yourself as an “other”
with which you can empathize
without hyper-empathizing.
Now,
by look,
I mean receive the choice
to recognize,
acknowledge,
and appreciate
parts of your “self”
by recognizing,
acknowledging,
and appreciating
parts of
the “other.”
Parts you forgot
or did not know
to recognize,
acknowledge,
and appreciate.
I mean give these parts
the choice
to feel seen.
The choice
to matter.
And by giving this choice,
may you realize
that this
is a loop,
where giving
does not constitute losing,
and receiving
is not predicated on lacking.
A loop,
where fear and shame
can make way
for flow.
…
Whether we reflect
through journaling,
through coaching,
or otherwise…
May this be a guide.
Unconscious Shame
I once attended a workshop
that laid out a model of how shame develops.
The model suggested,
that when children feel overwhelmed with emotion,
—pleasant or unpleasant—
their natural instinct
is often to reach out to others
—like their parents—
to process it.
Yet,
for better or for worse,
parents may unintentionally “reject“ such reaching out.
And with repeated “rejection,”
children may start to subconsciously judge themselves
as unworthy of love and attention,
when overwhelmed with emotion.
Thus planting the seed of shame.
In hindsight,
I spent much of my life coping with shame.
I did it by pursuing a self-image
of someone who never felt overwhelmed.
A stoic who could always “figure it out,”
through sheer intellect and will power.
It wasn’t until I began my work on empathy,
that I learned the choice
to empathize with that part of me,
instead of hyper-empathizing with it.
It was perhaps as Carl Jung once said,
“Until you make the unconscious conscious,
it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”