What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
Sometimes,
we think our method of communication
sucks.
Maybe.
But before the method
there is
relationship.
It is in the relationship,
where emotions
such as trust
reside.
If the relationship is sound,
the method can matter
less.
If the relationship is unsound
the method
What cold outreach taught me
was that what people are doing
is not rejecting me.
What they are doing
is saying things to me.
It is I who choose
to interpret their words
as rejection
or as something else.
From their perspective,
they may be feeling misunderstood
take advantage of, etc…
If to respect,
is to see
anew,
expect is to see
as formerly seen.
When we respect someone,
we don’t blame them
for not doing what we wanted them to do
we remind them
that they did not do what they know they can do.
If we do
or say things
to fulfill a need,
then we form our objects,
organizations,
and rituals
to fulfill that need.
Yet,
the words,
the behaviors,
and the forms of our objects
and organizations
can mislead us,
if we fail to comprehend
and appreciate
the underlying needs
that shaped it.
Tis
how easily
dogma
is born.
Gratitude
has somehow became
a panacea.
“Be grateful.”
some say.
“Be honest.”
I say in response.
If you don’t feel gratitude,
you don’t feel gratitude.
What you feel
is what you feel.
I lack empathy.
Sometimes.
We all lack empathy.
Sometimes.
Let those
who’s never lacked empathy,
judge others
for lacking empathy.
Let those
who’s never seen others lack empathy,
judge themselves
for lacking empathy.
It’s ok
to complain.
In fact,
it can be healthy.
Except,
complain to someone
with skills.
The skills to summarize your complaint
far more succinctly
than you could
alone.
The skills to organize your complaint
far more clearly
than you could
alone.
The skills to guide your complaint
toward a resolution
you couldn’t reach
alone.
May we neither waste our complaint
on people who lack
such skills.
Nor leave such people frustrated
for lacking
such skills.
Stop playing to grow.
That’s your investors’ game.
Stop playing to survive.
That’s playing not to lose.
Start playing to win.
And play your own game.
100% of the CEOs
who bragged to me
about their exceptional empathy
were proven wrong
when I asked
their direct reports
and their family members.
Not because they lacked empathy
absolutely,
but because we all lack empathy
sometimes.
Except,
that sometime
may be a critical moment for some
enough for them to remember
that we were not there
when they needed us
to be there for them
the most.
What “experts” or “professionals” may not get
about Paul Graham’s essay
is that it’s _primarily_ an act
of permission-giving.
The details of the essay
matters much less.
Many founders have felt pressured
by “experts” or “professionals” telling them
how to run their own companies.
It matters less
whether the advice came from VCs
with no experience running a company
or from Founders
with much experience running a company.
The fact of the matter is
what worked in context A
doesn’t always work
in context B.
That’s the limitation
of _advice-giving_
itself.
Paul’s essay
is making it ok for founders to say
“no thanks,”
to “expert” or “professional” advice.
To go at it
“my way,”
for better
or for worse.
That’s much needed permission
for the Founders who have felt pressured
to follow “expert” or “professional” advice.
To be clear,
this is also a reminder
that when something isn’t working
we can either take responsibility
for doing what we believe
is right
or abdicate responsibility
by doing what others believe
is right,
because we’re either
afraid of being wrong
or feel helpless
without a choice.
…
For the “experts” or “professionals,”
Paul’s essay is an invitation
to also learn how to help
without giving advice.
Without resorting to
telling people what to do,
but instead
working with them
to create something neither
could have created
alone.
