What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
If we do
or say things
to fulfill a need,
then we form our objects,
organizations,
and rituals
to fulfill that need.
Yet,
the words,
the behaviors,
and the forms of our objects
and organizations
can mislead us,
if we fail to comprehend
and appreciate
the underlying needs
that shaped it.
Tis
how easily
dogma
is born.
We sometimes say
“if I were them,
I wouldn’t have done that.”
The question is not merely
whether we would have behaved
differently.
The question is
had we the same
emotions,
intentions,
needs,
and values
whether we would have behaved
differently.
The person
whose love,
validation,
and respect we need
is often also the person
whose need for love,
validation,
and respect
we neglect
to appreciate
or understand fully.
There are times
when it seems so clear
that the fault
is ours.
I raised my child poorly.
I lead my company to bankruptcy.
I failed to support my spouse.
This often happens
when there are two things
equally clear
if you’re willing
to see them.
First,
is that you’re someone
who is willing
to take
responsibility.
Second,
is that you have
emotional needs.
Perhaps the need
to be forgiven.
Upon seeing these two things
clearly,
may you learn the choice
to take responsibility
for fulfilling
your own emotional needs
as well as worrying
about the emotional needs
of others.
We sometimes resent
not being heard by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t hear us
is because
they are in dire need
to be heard by us.
We sometimes resent
not being supported by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t support us
is because
they are in dire need
of our support.
We sometimes resent
not being respected by someone
unaware
that the reason why they won’t respect us
is because
they are in dire need
of our respect.
By whom
will this Gordian Knot
be severed?
There was a period in my 20s, where it was as if “Human-Centered Design” was my family name.
In other words, “Human-Centered Design” was a significant part of my identity. So much so that I felt an implicit sense of responsibility on my shoulders. To the degree that I took “Human-Centered Design” as if it were as serious as the continuation of my own family’s reputation & lineage.
Although… It wasn’t like “Human-Centered Design” behaved like Darth Vader who went “I am your father~” (You know?) So one could wonder why I had felt the way I had felt.
Well, after realizing empathy with my past self, I realized that one of the most important needs I had was to feel a sense of belonging. Without a sense of belonging, I had found it difficult to withstand the pain of loneliness and confusion.
To be clear, I wasn’t aware of this back then. At the time, my conscious thought kept claiming that I was merely trying to “(positively) change the world.” Given the popularity of the phrase “change the world” in the late 90s and early 2000s, this is as cliché as it can get. But I was sincere.
At the same time, what I also see now is that I valued the experience of contribution. I felt alive when I could see that I was contributing to someone’s life. I also see that I had a need to shed the seemingly less-than-worthy identity of a “student.” I had a need to belong to a seemingly more significant and meaningful tribe. A tribe which could bestow upon me a more worthy identity. A tribe to which a number of older pioneers also belonged. Pioneers who made me feel the love and validation that I needed, but couldn’t feel in relation to my own father. All of these lay underneath my subconscious.
This isn’t to say that I think I was wrong to have felt the way I did or to have pursued “Human-Centered Design.”
No.
In fact, I cherish and take pride in my 20s.
I did the thing that brought life into my existence. That was amazing! I also did what I believed would fulfill my unconscious needs. Did it work? Unfortunately not. But I did do my best. And that’s enough for me to cherish and take pride in my 20s.
At the same time, I do find it important to admit that I had not yet attained the requisite maturity back then to confront the eventuality of our humanity. The vulnerable existence we are, once we get to know ourselves, despite how strong and stoic we may try to come across at first. Especially since today is my 42nd birthday.
Because what we do not admit stays in our subconscious. What we do admit rises up into our conscious. And it is only at that point we can design our relationship to and interaction with them.
The need to belong and to feel like we matter is a critical component of the human condition. It is as normal as gravity. There is no shame in such admission. In fact, the earlier we admit and attempt to understand it, the more we become capable of design. The design of our thoughts and behaviors. In contrast to becoming a slave to our suppressed emotions and unfulfilled needs.
In my research, I had learned that art, despite looking like a journey of creating things, is ultimately a journey of creating relationships. Relationships from which value, meaning, language, and identity emerge. Entrepreneurship is very much the same.
On the surface, entrepreneurship may seem like a journey of mere product and service innovation. But ultimately, entrepreneurship is a journey of innovating our relationships. Relationships to our customers, investors, board members, employees, co-founders, or even our so-called “self” and our family. These are all part of the same trail we are blazing.
I know many of you on this list are on your own journey of relational innovation. For some of you, I am also an explicit participant in your journey. So I want to take this time to tell you how proud I am of you all. Not for having achieved certain things or to have done great deeds. But for your willingness to admit what most would not dare admit. For your willingness to attempt to understand what most would not bother to understand.
Our humanity, that is.
Thank you.
I love you.
I’m proud of you.
Slim
August 19th 2019
Photo credit: Belinda Novika
One of the most difficult
and important need to manage
is our need to matter.
It is an existential need
that taps directly into our sense of self-worth.
Few are willing to admit to this need being a major driver.
Some admit to this in a roundabout way
by saying “I’m going to prove them wrong,”
which is a response to people who violated our need to matter.
Most will brush off the existence of this need
by emphasizing other needs
such as the need to contribute,
which is deemed more “altruistic,”
thus more acceptable and in alignment
with our desire to retain a self-image
of a “good” person.
Our need to matter
can serve as a powerful motivator to achieve something,
because achieving that thing may seem like the way to matter,
thus empowering us to persevere in the most difficult of times.
At the same time,
it can also blind us to behaviors that conspire against us.
Behaviors that, in hindsight, were excessive.
Behaviors we later regret.
Behaviors that may even cost us our lives
or lead to the demise of everything we’ve worked hard to build.
Our need to matter is a double-edged sword.
May we manage it
and manage well.
Thanos cares.
He does what he does,
for the good of others.
Just as parents,
spouse,
and leaders
unintentionally hurt others,
while merely trying to solve these others’ problems,
so does he.
In his pursuit to fulfill his own need
for balance,
he also projects this upon humanity
and assumes that they, too, desire
to fulfill this need.
This is a fallacy.
To reckon with this fallacy
and to connect with the present need of humanity,
he has to see them in the eyes.
He has to be willing to realize his empathy directly,
not through imagination,
but through conversation,
which he never does.
Why would he?
After all, he cares.
He has good intentions.
Many of us think that’s enough.
Why would he think different?
We experience tension
when there’s a conflict
between what we expect or need
VS what we have
instead.
Design begins
when we take responsibility
for clarifying,
prioritizing,
and addressing
our tension.
Say we expect computers
to be more usable.
We begin to design
the moment we take responsibility
for clarifying,
prioritizing,
and addressing
this tension.
We don’t always design, though.
Sometimes
we push responsibility
away.
We blame.
This is normal.
Especially when tension
accompanies pain.
If we wish to design
may we attend to our pain
immediately.
Before it becomes
an untreated wound.
A wound that can be irritated
unexpectedly,
leaving us
with such a low threshold
for tension
that we end up spending
too much of our time blaming
instead of designing.