What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
Gratitude
is an emotion.
Indebtedness
is a judgment one makes
on top of gratitude
to inject our being
with a noble burden.
One that whispers
“You must pay this back.
If you don’t,
you’re not good enough.”
A burden
that sometimes leads us
to hyper-empathize
with the person
to whom
we feel indebted.
When we experience guilt in relation to someone,
it may also be a sign
that we have forgotten to express our gratitude
in relation to that someone.
I’m writing to express my gratitude to Ravit at the United check-in counter inside Tel Aviv, Israel‘s Ben Gurion Airport.
I hope Ravit gets the recognition she deserves. I can’t remember the last time I met a check-in agent so vivacious and, dare I say, fun to interact with.
While my trip to Israel had been inspiring, I was tired nonetheless. I could not wait to get back home. Until I encountered Ravit, my energy was low. I was also grumpy that I could not check in at the kiosk just because I wanted to check a bag. From the first interaction, Ravit joked with me in a tone so playful and warm that I could not help, but laugh along. Her presence was like an oasis to an otherwise dried-up state of mind. So much so that I was grateful that I did not check in at the kiosk. I felt restored and refreshed after our interaction. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated that.
Facing people as an agent at the check-in counter while being true to a personality so vivacious and playful is not an easy thing to do. Especially when everyone else in the airport seems so serious and stern (This is not a criticism. I know it is well warranted given how serious the security situation is in Israel). Not only that, but given the kinds of struggles many people experience at the airport, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has experienced people who respond to her energy in negative ways. All this means it would have been much safer for Ravit to express no emotions and instead focus on getting her task done. But no, Ravit was willing to be vulnerable enough to be herself and treat me as a human being, not merely a task to be completed.
Thank you Ravit for your willingness to bring brightness and positivity to a world that is often biased toward darkness and negativity. I consider your actions a good example of the kind of micro-innovation I hope to see more in the world. May you continue to bring joy to the lives of people with whom you come in contact.
UPDATE:
I’d like to express my sincere gratitude and appreciation to Erica Bird (maybe Erika Byrd: pictured below), a flight attendant on this morning’s American Airlines flight AA3611.
From the get go she was very considerate.
I have a backpack that turned out to be ever so slightly big for the overhead cabin. Putting it under my seat meant I would be squeezed. I wondered if I should go back to gate check it. The first thing she asked was whether I had a connecting flight. She showed consideration for my time constraints! (It can take a while to retrieve gate checked bags) Most would have just told me to go ahead and gate check it. I would have been fine with that, but the fact that she showed consideration was meaningful to me.
She then asked me to hold on to my bag for a bit. I soon realized that she was considering the possibility that I may be able to stow it under the seat next to me in case nobody showed up. I did eventually luck out because nobody sat next to me! The co-creation that happened between her and I was very valuable to me. What a beautiful example of a micro-innovation!
What blew me away the most was when she later came by with her cart to give out snacks and beverages. She said “Hello Mr. Lim.” I was taken aback for a second. I’ve never had a flight attendant greet me by my name on a coach flight (par for the course when I fly business, yes.) It turns out she learns every passenger’s last name beforehand! I don’t know if I just haven’t flown American in a long time or if Erica is unique. Regardless, I appreciated her efforts so much.
In my mind, it’s these small things one does to show respect and consideration for another human being in a business context that sets apart one employee or a brand from another. I do not wish to take them for granted.
I hope Erica gets the recognition she deserves.
Thank you, Erica!
UPDATE: Thank you American Airlines!
I wanted to write this in appreciation and celebration of a customer service agent (the young lady pictured below) I met this past Saturday.
Saturday was a tough day for me.
Earlier in the week, I had facilitated a meeting. The meeting was part of an ongoing effort to restore trust between two cultures inside an international organization.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go so well.
If you’re on a similar journey as I, you know how disheartening it can feel when we struggle to facilitate greater empathy among people.
Sometimes we shake it off and move on. Other times, feelings of discouragement and disappointment pierce us with such blunt sharpness that we spiral into a vicious cycle of rumination. The kind that compels us to ask a simple yet deadly question: “Am I good enough to have a positive impact in the world? Is all this effort worth it?”
Having been at it for almost 5 years now, I thought I had become tough enough. I thought nothing could bring me down any more. Yet here I was, doubting my ability and the fundamental worth of my journey.
And then… I met this lady.
I had visited this Five Guys in Seekonk, MA several times. Yet, I had never met someone who greeted me quite the way she did. In particular, she had a certain way of saying “Al-right.” Every time she’d say it, I’d feel so much sincere enthusiasm in her words that I felt compelled to repeat after her.
In fact, I did! (Just once, though. I didn’t want her to misinterpret my behavior as having the intention of making fun of her.) Her energy was so contagious!
The vibe with which she greeted me to the restaurant shook me and woke me up. The resonating effect was so strong that I got out of my context and synchronized with her’s. In that new context, I immediately realized the unencessity with which I was ruminating. And just like that, I was back up and ready to take another step in this journey of realizing empathy.
Standing in the dining area, I felt a slow and steady rise of gratitude take over me. This is not the first time I have experienced this kind of slow rise of gratitude. It’s always a bit surreal when I do. The underlying energy is somewhat overwhelming. It compels you to express your appreciation and acknowledgement. This can be vulnerable. It’s not the kind that can be fully expressed by a meter utterance of “thank you.” It’s not always clear how we can express it.
On my way out, I asked her if she wouldn’t mind if I took a picture of her. She was gracious enough to give me permission. I told her I thought she was enthusiastic then quickly left, still feeling vulnerable. On my way back, I continued to experience the rush of gratitude.
It was beautiful.
No.
It is beautiful. Because I still feel it.
Thank you for your energy dear customer service agent. What you may have done without much thought meant the world to me. It was a wonderful example of a micro-innovation. Thanks to you I have found the energy to get back into the ring. To continue on this journey.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
May you stay beautiful.
with warmth and gratitude,
Seung Chan Lim
On Dec. 3rd of last week, I called Verizon Wireless Customer Service for a quick phone swap. The customer rep said “How are you?” I said “I’m good, how are you?” and the rep said “I’m doing well. By the way, thanks for asking that.” I laughed at the unexpected response.
After the phone swap, she asked “Is there any other question or concern?” I asked “Do people normally not ask you how you are?” and she answered “Some do, and some don’t. Most don’t, so I feel it’s significant enough to acknowledge those considerate enough to ask.” I said “Thank you for acknowledging.” and she went “Oh, no problem. That’s just how I am. I think people should be acknowledged.” After exchanging good byes, I hung up, inspired.
What I realized in that moment was that we often forget that those behind customer service lines are dignified human beings worthy of our respect and consideration. To be clear, this isn’t because we are malicious or mean. It’s because we’re flooded with emotion when we call them or we’re focused so narrowly on achieving a goal that we perceive the customer reps as a means to our end.
Having transitioned from being a designer to a meta-designer, I’m reminded once again that focusing on user experience is not enough. The user is not whom we serve. What we serve is the relationship. And relationships are made of a continuous and dynamic give and take of conversation, which can only be given life if we are awake enough in each and every moment to at least notice whether we are respecting or not, whether we are considering or not. That is what the design practice asks of us. How we respond to that ask, of course, is up to us.
Easier said than done, isn’t it?
Thank you Gailshen A. Thanks to your appreciation and acknowledgement, I was given the opportunity to pause and reflect. That is so much more than what I expected to get out of a phone swap. It was a beautiful experience. It was a display of genuine leadership. It was a wonderful example of a micro-innovation.
May you stay beautiful,
Seung Chan Lim
photo credit: Phil Dowsing Creative
Yesterday, I was at the Ithaca airport on my way back from a day trip working with the executive MBA students at Cornell. As soon as I got to the airport, I tried to check myself in at the Kiosk. For some odd reason, the kiosk wasn’t able to find my reservation. So this lady (pictured) at US Airways helped look my reservation up manually.
And now get this.
After looking up my reservation, she said:
“Ha… I see that you’re taking a stop at Philly, then another one at Charlotte before getting into Providence. Would you like to take a direct flight to Providence from Philly instead? That’ll shave you a few hours.”
And I was like. “Uh… Sure?”
At first, I couldn’t believe my ears. In my head, I’m thinking “Am I getting charged extra for this or what?” But, no. Through the magic of her typing she just made it happen.
After receiving the new flight assignment, I felt that something was off, but I wasn’t sure what. I walked through security, and sat down to process my emotion. After several minutes, I slowly came to the realization that what I was experiencing was an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
Several minutes had already passed since I had uttered two reactionary words, “thank you,” to this lady. It felt awkward to go back and bring it up again. I tried to distract myself for a few minutes, but the feeling wouldn’t subside. So I finally decided I had to do something. I stood up, walked up to her, and told her that I would really like to mark this event as a special moment. I asked if we could take a picture together. She seemed surprised, and probably thought that I was an odd ball, which I can totally understand. Thankfully she agreed, and we smiled together at the camera before snapping a picture. I thanked her once again.
I don’t know of a time in my recent flight history, where I felt such sense of gratitude in relation to someone behind the ticket counter. Flying back and forth over the course of an overnight trip can be tiring. The last thing you want to do is spend more time in the plane or waiting in the airport. (Especially after experiencing several hours of delay the day before) What she did was not only surprising, but also meaningful and valuable to me. It was a great example of something I would consider a micro innovation. The kind that can only arise from realizing empathy. Thank you once again, dear lady whose name I failed to get. I will not forget the experience you made possible today.
May you stay beautiful,
Seung Chan Lim
UPDATE: I tweeted this story to US Airways, and they promised to let her manager know. They just made my day!
MORE UPDATE: Corporate communications at Piedmont Airlines (operating for US Airways) has contacted me to let me know that Melissa (I now know her name!) and her boss has seen it. Love the internet. Love it.
