Category: Short Form

The Thanos Fallacy

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

Thanos cares.

He does what he does,
for the good of others.

Just as parents,
spouse,
and leaders
unintentionally hurt others,
while merely trying to solve these others’ problems,
so does he.

In his pursuit to fulfill his own need
for balance,
he also projects this upon humanity
and assumes that they, too, desire
to fulfill this need.

This is a fallacy.

To reckon with this fallacy
and to connect with the present need of humanity,
he has to see them in the eyes.
He has to be willing to realize his empathy directly,
not through imagination,
but through conversation,
which he never does.

Why would he?
After all, he cares.
He has good intentions.
Many of us think that’s enough.
Why would he think different?

Asking for Help

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Those of us who value contribution habitually ask
“How can I help?”

Sometimes, this masks the tiny voice inside us saying
“I need help.”

Asking for help can be difficult.
Especially when we tend to play the role of “helper.”

When we empathize, we enter a space of inter-being,
a being other than “self” or “other.”

A space, where, instead of separating roles like
“helper” vs. “helpee,”
help flows
both ways.

A space where we need not try so hard to help,
and yet, the other feels helped,
and so do we.

It’s not always easy to enter this space, though.
That is until we meet someone willing to realize their empathy
with us.

A chance we may only have
if we’re willing
to ask for help.​

The 3 Basic States of Empathizing

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 2

Imagine two circles: self & other.

Not empathizing is them separated,
Empathizing is them intersecting,
Hyper-empathizing is them overlapping.

When we hyper-empathize,
we lose any boundary or distinctions between self vs other, and
our sense of identity becomes significantly affected.

A mother throwing herself in front of oncoming traffic
to save her child
is hyper-empathizing.
A business owner who feels like a failure
because her company has failed,
and kills herself,
is hyper-empathizing.

It’s important we learn the ability
to notice when hyper-empathizing works against us, so as
to choose another way of being.

Let us not unwillingly fall prey
to the whims of others.

Beyond Understanding

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“What has happened since our last session?” I asked.

He’d been feeling bad for his employees.
He felt like he was failing them.
With guilt on deck,
underperforming employees fueled his resentment.
He was spending so much time and effort trying to be a better leader,
being understanding and supportive of them.
They, on the other hand, were not.

“I confessed my guilt to my employees.”
“What do you feel right now?”
“Relief.”
“What did you learn?”
“That all this time I was hyper-empathizing instead of empathizing.
That to empathize,
it’s not enough to understand.
I also have to be honest with myself and others.”

Empathizing is not merely about others.
It’s about the relationship between ourselves and others.
Let us not forget ourselves.

When our “good(s)” is(are) unappreciated.

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

Some of you replied to my last email asking how micro-managing can be good.
I’ll answer in a roundabout way.

My clients aspire to do good as leaders.
Good to employees, customers,…
It’s like wanting to be good parents.
Who can argue with that?

The irony is that trying to do good has not made an impact or made things worse.
This is one reason why realizing empathy is so critical.

We have an image of what “good” looks like.
But that’s what we think.
Doesn’t mean others will also appreciate the image as “good.”

I owe one of my most amazing growth experience to being micro-managed.

To be empathic is to be context-sensitive.
Our “good(s)” are unappreciated? We’ve misunderstood the context.

A Matter of When Not Whether

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 1

We often think micro-management entails meddling with every little detail from the moment we delegate work to another person.

Actually, there is another form of micro-management.

This is where we give someone the autonomy to do whatever they want, only to meddle with every little detail once they bring back the fruit of their autonomous labor.

The only difference here is when we micro-manage, not whether we micro-manage.

Between Fear and Care Arises Concern

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With accumulated life experience arises fear.
Between fear and care arises concern and anxiety.

Our concerns are well-intended.
Yet, when we behave out of anxiety,
it can also do harm.

How many parents ever intend to hurt their child?
Very few.
Yet, we were hurt by them.
Often by behaviors that arose out of anxiety.

I have yet to coach a CEO who does not care about their co-founders or employees.
Yet, these others were hurt by the CEO.
Often by behaviors that arose out of anxiety.
Same holds for CEOs hurt by co-founders or employees.

Not caring isn’t always the issue.
The challenge is also to care without anxiety.
It is to regulate our own tension.
A difficult, but necessary skill to learn as a leader.

Strong Together

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 3

We say we want to be strong.

And by strong, we usually mean strong alone.

We can also be strong together.
And by being strong together,
I don’t mean helping others become strong alone.
Nor do I mean getting help so we can become strong alone.
I mean being strong by virtue of being together.

To be strong together is to be dependent, even for a moment.
Dependent is a dirty word with which nobody wants to be associated .
Yet, there are things we must depend on others to achieve.
Survival is one such thing.

Few things are more rewarding than knowing that we are needed.
Few things are more deadly than thinking we are not.