Quotes

When Do We Mature?

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

Child psychologist Lewis Lipsitt once said
“We mature, when what we once assumed to know
takes on more subtlety and nuance,
thus changes in meaning.”

The word “making art” used to mean
Being stubborn or egocentric
enough to get away with bullshit.

So I used to despise art.

But after 4 years of realizing empathy with artists,
the word changed in meaning to
Letting go of our ego
to learn from others
on how to uncover & express our sincere honesty.

Words necessarily change in meaning as we mature.

Words like
parenting & leadership
will change in meaning
as we mature
as parents & leaders.

So will words like
children,
engineers,
millennials,
or marketing and sales.

This is no coincidence.

Moved to Chicago

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I’ve moved.

To Chicago.

Until I was 21,
I not only moved every ~2 years locally,
but also every ~5 years internationally.

To a child,
moving can bring great grief into their lives,
leaving behind many emotional scars.

B‍‍‍‍‍‍ut I’m ultimately grateful for the pain.
They helped me mature and innovate my “self.”

I don’t know many people in Chicago.
I have nothing planned,
nor do I have business lined up locally.

All I have is an intuition,
That this is where I’m meant to be now.

Am I being impulsive?
Perhaps.

Yet intuition is what’s guided me on my journey of 41 years.
A journey of maturing and innovating with others.
Not alone.
A journey of empathy.

It’s served me well so far.
I trust it.

The Appreciation Deadlock

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A common phenomena I see among co-founders I coach is this:

  1. Founder A does something she believes Founder B should appreciate.
  2. Those are not things B actually appreciates, but B says “thanks” out of politeness.
  3. A thinks she’s done something of significant worth to B and expects a reciprocal behavior from B born out of B’s appreciation for A.
  4. B has no awareness of the expectation.
  5. A never receives the reciprocal expression.

Imagine both people doing this — thinking it’s “for” each other
While neither are feeling their needs genuinely fulfilled.

This relationship may be a ticking time bomb.
It is unlikely for people to stay in relationship
When they don’t feel appreciated.

Tension as Problem vs Paradox

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 2

Richard Feynman—
Physicist—
once said,
“Paradox
is only a conflict between
Reality
vs
Our feeling of what reality
ought to be.”​​

I define tension
as a conflict between​
What we have
vs
What we need or value.

When I noticed
the remarkable similarity
between these two,
I realized
that we can either
judge tension as “bad,”
so as to frame it as a “problem.”
or
We can let it evoke
our curiosity and wonder
so as to frame it
as a “paradox.”

The choice
can be ours.

Efficient Use of Energy

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Any time we have the urge to say “I disagree,”
It’s worth asking ourselves “What purpose am I hoping to fulfill?”

If the purpose of expressing disagreement is…

  1. To express disagreement, then spending our energy to express disagreement would likely be energy well-spent.
  2. To prevent something “bad” from happening, the energy may be better spent expressing our fear or concern of the “bad” thing.
  3. To ask the other person to do something, the energy may be better spent making a request to the other person.

Rose vs Obstacle

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Let’s say we have goal A.

During our pursuit of goal A,
Let’s say we encounter B.

If we desire to focus solely on A, and
B demands our attention,
B will be perceived as mere obstacle.

If we focus solely on being blocked from achieving our goal,
It can naturally lead to frustration & anxiety.

Yet, if we can shift our perspective,
So as to fully attend to B,
Enough to respect and listen to it,
B just might turn out
To be the proverbial rose
Worth smelling.

When Sincerity Goes Wasted

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Sometimes, other people recognize our strengths and communicate it to us.

Yet, no matter how sincere their communication,
If it’s in regards to an ability we take for granted—
Perhaps even proactively trivialize—
Their sincerity can be perceived as mere flattery or politeness.
This makes it difficult for us to empathize with their sincerity.
Thus, making it difficult for us to discover our own strengths.

Leaders are Human Beings

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People expect leaders to be super human.
Except, we’re human beings like everyone else.
The kind that needs support.
Except, the kind of support we need is often very hard to come by.

This week is suicide prevention week.
In commemoration of the week,
I’m offering a coaching session to 4 founders,
Free-of-charge.

This is for founders of startups & small businesses
Feeling stuck leading a team of people for whom they feel responsible.
In the session, we’ll design your next steps such that you can make progress.

We’re not going to let this responsibility crush us.
We’re going to leverage it as an opportunity for innovation.

Apply here.
Deadline is 9/16 (Sun).

When Do We Change?

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We change our mind & behavior
When we come to have the freedom of choice
We didn’t previously perceive to have had.

Jean valjean stole,
Because he felt like he didn’t have a choice.
Once he did,
He changed.

When we tell others what not to do,
It can threaten what freedom of choice they perceive to have.
This is why our well-intended admonishments are often rejected.

Even when we tell others what to do,
We often stop at presenting options, not choices.
Options that fail to elicit the feeling of freedom.
Thus, this, too, are often rejected.

What master realizers of empathy do, is
Elicit feelings of freedom
In others and ourselves.

When this happens,
With no intention to change,
Change happens
As a byproduct.

Wanting Others to Listen

Posted on by Seung Chan Lim 0

As much as salespeople would like to sell,
Customers have no obligation to buy.

In that sense,
When we want something from others—
Even if we merely want them to listen to us—
One could say that we’re (momentarily) in sales and
They are our customers.

If so, let us notice how we sell,
When we want our children to clean their room,
When we want our employees to do a better job,
When we want our clients or patients to implement our strategy.

Ever walk into a dealership
Only to walk out,
Because you didn’t like the way they sell—
Even if you loved the car?

Unless our customers are unwilling or
Unable to say “No,” to us,
If we sell a particular way,
It is only natural that they won’t buy.