What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
When it feels
as if we’re not doing enough,
a useful question to ask
can be
“From whom do I need recognition
or validation?”
Often times,
what makes something “enough”
is not what we do,
but knowing how certain people feel
about what we do.
It can sometimes be difficult
to admit
that we need recognition
or validation.
But we all need it
from time to time.
Sometimes,
we pit two concepts
as opposites,
when, in fact,
they are perpendicular.
For example,
if we pit
honesty and kindness
as opposites,
we may feel forced
to choose either or.
But if we pit them
as perpendiculars,
we can aim
to learn a new choice
with which to do both
at the same time.
Telling someone
who feels stuck
to have more patience and grit
is akin to telling
a drowning person
to keep holding their breath.
There are times
when progress is merely slow.
Then there are times
when we are stuck.
When progress is slow,
our direction need not change.
Thus,
with patience and grit
we can prevail.
But when we are stuck,
we must significantly change direction
—even if momentarily.
The question is
in which direction?
To support someone feeling stuck
may we be there
by their side
to help them learn
the requisite new choice
of direction.
We sometimes resent
not being heard by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t hear us
is because
they are in dire need
to be heard by us.
We sometimes resent
not being supported by someone,
unaware
that the reason why they won’t support us
is because
they are in dire need
of our support.
We sometimes resent
not being respected by someone
unaware
that the reason why they won’t respect us
is because
they are in dire need
of our respect.
By whom
will this Gordian Knot
be severed?
Each moment
we try to act,
as we struggle
to find ourselves in different roles:
a son,
an adult,
a parent,
a professional,
an employee,
…
And just
as a novice actor struggles
as she mistakes acting
for pretending
to be someone they are not,
we struggle
as we mistake playing roles
for being who we are.
As our minds
try their best
to keep us calm,
to seek and to retain certainty,
they construct false notions
of what it means to be good,
kind,
or even authentic
from clichés and stereotypes
we mistake for the real meaning
behind those words.
Our very desires
to “be somebody,”
even if it’s as benign
as a good son
or a good friend,
often result in nothing more
than bad acting.
pg 168 Realizing Empathy: An Inquiry into the Meaning of Making.
It’s tempting
to think of some relationships
as having a unilateral
power dynamic.
As if our parents
have unilateral power
over us.
As if our bosses
have unilateral power
over us.
As if our investors
have unilateral power
over us.
What we inevitably learn
is that we also have power
over our parents,
over our bosses,
over our investors.
Why?
Because they have a vested interest
in our success.
Given this,
we can choose to see these relationships
through the lens of
“They only care about us
because they have a vested interest
in our success!”
or
through the lens of
“I appreciate
that there are people who care about us
enough to have a vested interest
in our success.”
At least two choices
we can learn.
Only one of which
helps us use
power with.
Focusing on a desire
of what we want
can create the tension
required to motivate us
to keep moving
toward the future.
And yet,
such desire alone
can often lead us
to inadvertently focus
on where we are not.
It is in being aware
of not only our desire,
but also the progress
we’ve made thus far
that we may recognize
where we are.
It is in this awareness,
where notions of
past, present, and future
can make way
for a sense
of belonging.
A sense
that we deserve
to be where we are,
thanks not only
to our own merits,
but also the merit
of our supporters,
and our circumstances.
We often say
plants grow
when the right conditions
are present.
This is true.
What’s often unspoken,
though,
is time.
Even with the right conditions,
if we stare at the plant
second by second,
wondering why it’s not growing,
we can easily get frustrated
by their lack of growth.
The risk
lies not merely in the risk,
But also in not sharing
the risk.
To achieve something great,
we often think
we have to take on all the burden
ourselves.
That this
is how we show our care.
That this
is something others
will appreciate.
Yet,
what may be more desired
by those cared for by us
is to belong,
to participate,
to contribute.
So as to take the risk
together.
No matter how great the risk.
No matter how difficult.
Something significant about it changes,
when it is shared together.
There was a period in my 20s, where it was as if “Human-Centered Design” was my family name.
In other words, “Human-Centered Design” was a significant part of my identity. So much so that I felt an implicit sense of responsibility on my shoulders. To the degree that I took “Human-Centered Design” as if it were as serious as the continuation of my own family’s reputation & lineage.
Although… It wasn’t like “Human-Centered Design” behaved like Darth Vader who went “I am your father~” (You know?) So one could wonder why I had felt the way I had felt.
Well, after realizing empathy with my past self, I realized that one of the most important needs I had was to feel a sense of belonging. Without a sense of belonging, I had found it difficult to withstand the pain of loneliness and confusion.
To be clear, I wasn’t aware of this back then. At the time, my conscious thought kept claiming that I was merely trying to “(positively) change the world.” Given the popularity of the phrase “change the world” in the late 90s and early 2000s, this is as cliché as it can get. But I was sincere.
At the same time, what I also see now is that I valued the experience of contribution. I felt alive when I could see that I was contributing to someone’s life. I also see that I had a need to shed the seemingly less-than-worthy identity of a “student.” I had a need to belong to a seemingly more significant and meaningful tribe. A tribe which could bestow upon me a more worthy identity. A tribe to which a number of older pioneers also belonged. Pioneers who made me feel the love and validation that I needed, but couldn’t feel in relation to my own father. All of these lay underneath my subconscious.
This isn’t to say that I think I was wrong to have felt the way I did or to have pursued “Human-Centered Design.”
No.
In fact, I cherish and take pride in my 20s.
I did the thing that brought life into my existence. That was amazing! I also did what I believed would fulfill my unconscious needs. Did it work? Unfortunately not. But I did do my best. And that’s enough for me to cherish and take pride in my 20s.
At the same time, I do find it important to admit that I had not yet attained the requisite maturity back then to confront the eventuality of our humanity. The vulnerable existence we are, once we get to know ourselves, despite how strong and stoic we may try to come across at first. Especially since today is my 42nd birthday.
Because what we do not admit stays in our subconscious. What we do admit rises up into our conscious. And it is only at that point we can design our relationship to and interaction with them.
The need to belong and to feel like we matter is a critical component of the human condition. It is as normal as gravity. There is no shame in such admission. In fact, the earlier we admit and attempt to understand it, the more we become capable of design. The design of our thoughts and behaviors. In contrast to becoming a slave to our suppressed emotions and unfulfilled needs.
In my research, I had learned that art, despite looking like a journey of creating things, is ultimately a journey of creating relationships. Relationships from which value, meaning, language, and identity emerge. Entrepreneurship is very much the same.
On the surface, entrepreneurship may seem like a journey of mere product and service innovation. But ultimately, entrepreneurship is a journey of innovating our relationships. Relationships to our customers, investors, board members, employees, co-founders, or even our so-called “self” and our family. These are all part of the same trail we are blazing.
I know many of you on this list are on your own journey of relational innovation. For some of you, I am also an explicit participant in your journey. So I want to take this time to tell you how proud I am of you all. Not for having achieved certain things or to have done great deeds. But for your willingness to admit what most would not dare admit. For your willingness to attempt to understand what most would not bother to understand.
Our humanity, that is.
Thank you.
I love you.
I’m proud of you.
Slim
August 19th 2019
Photo credit: Belinda Novika