What if Irony is Judging Others for Lacking Empathy?
The decision
can only be made
by the decision
maker.
No matter how much we dislike
the decision made,
the responsibility of decision making
lies solely
with the decision
maker.
In much the same way,
the decision we make
in response to other’s decisions
is our responsibility.
It’s not you.
It’s me.
The person I’m speaking to
in conversation,
that is.
It’s true.
I sometimes speak
with my past self
instead of you,
the person
in front of me.
I know
this can confuse
sometimes even anger
or frustrate
you.
When that happens,
I want you to know
that it’s not you,
it’s me.
It’s just that,
the pain
of my past experience
is simply too much
to bear.
So although
I know
that as a leader
I must do better.
There are times
when it feels
as if I must proclaim
—No, shout—
in order to remind myself
to never experience
the same pain
ever again.
“I did my best.
I meditated.
I actively listened.
I created psychological safety.
Yet, they still let me down…”
a founder lamented.
…
Once upon a time,
I was cheated on.
Externally,
I was angry.
I thought I had done
my best,
and yet
this had still happened.
Some said,
that to recover
I needed to hear
her regret.
Perhaps.
But I was already overwhelmed
with my own.
“I should’ve done X.”
“I could’ve done Y better .”
“Why didn’t I know
that Z was not enough?”
Because internally,
I was ashamed.
In hindsight,
what I needed
was appreciation.
The kind
that would’ve helped me let go
of the unconscious belief
that I hadn’t actually
“done my best,”
and thus deserved
to be abandoned.
…
There are times,
when we think “doing our best”
means following best practices
as espoused by podcasts
or academic research.
It can.
So long as it also means
accepting we’ve done our best
even if the practices fail.
So long as it also means
learning to grieve
when they fail.
So long as it also means
leveraging the meaning
of them having failed.
All
for the purpose
of recovery.
A CTO once told me
that he had asked his CEO
“How many times have you wanted to fire me?”
to which the CEO replied,
“7.”
The CTO said his empathy realized instantly
as he knew the CEO was honest.
How did the CTO know?
Because he himself could count 5 times
when he thought he’d be fired.
Sincere honesty
can inspire the realization of empathy
in the prepared mind.
Unfortunately,
so much moral correctness
is published in leadership books,
that sincere honesty often seems unacceptable.
If you have employees,
there may have been times
when you experienced a deeply-rooted,
ferocious,
yet silent anger
accompanying a sudden urge
to fire them.
This is normal.
If you were surprised by your dark side,
this is expected.
The dark side is dark,
not because it’s “bad” or “wrong,”
but because we couldn’t see it.
When our dark side becomes visible,
it’s tempting to pretend we didn’t see it,
to leave it in darkness,
which can make things worse,
until we learn the choice
to respect our dark side
without admiration.
